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CockRoach
09-03-11, 02:45 PM
Part 1

Yesterday as i was in the process of building my 3rd spliff of the day, the normally ignored tv suddenly caught my attention. It was that show "Dickinson's real deal" and some emo guy had brought in an old sword to either sell to the old tatt dealer or sell at auction.

So as i salivate over the icky bit of my bigblue rizla im kinda half listening to what this female dealer is saying to the emo guy about the sword... when she says "ok ill make you an offer"....bare in mind this bird looked like what you'd get if you putt Jabba the Hutt in drag and made him the face of L'Oreal..."because i ate it"

At this point im actually watching this shit because... one, it was a nice sword and two, an Emo getting robbed blind is gonna make anyones day innit.
So Jabba the Hutt Clairy aka enemy of weight watchers all over the world goes to get her cash out.....and she only reaches into her bra and pulls out a wad of £50s!! her bra ffs!! on daytime TV!!

To say i felt uncomfortable would be a huge understatement...but it did make me think.. i must be getting old or just in general more miserable/scottish as time goes by because really... for all i was taking the piss out of her, it really did offend me a little (i think anyway).

so i spose the point of me feeling like i needed to say this is because i prefer a lady to be a lady! and not a dirty slut! unless i ask her to be 1st :) but yaknow like theres a time and a place for certain things and daytime tv is not the time to get you cash from out of your cleavage in my opinion.

As im on the subject of tv lets get a few more peeves out the way eh.. lets go for the king of scum viewing! coming in at number one on the complete and utter junk tv shitlist is.....Yes The Jeremy Kyle Show:pee:

Now Jeremy Kyle himself doesn't even nearly fuck with my serenity meter as much as the utter and complete scum he gets on that abomination of a show every day. If it was my show i'd change the name to "Cockroaches Inbred Circus factor" and have them compete in a series of challenges like...
Russian Roulette.
Bare knuckle boxing.
Water boarding.
and spiky baseball bat therapy.

and i'd most definitely get more creative with the show titles......

17yrs old, 10 kids, 14 possible fathers!! "It aint my fault, Iceland ran out of condoms"
"Are you my child's father"..."its possible love, i do have a penis"
"i had sex with my sister........ after all my mates"... who is the aids courier?

And not to mention the relentless volley of reality shows we are bombarded with...

Only reality show ive ever wanted to see made was running man – id watch that :D

Jermey Kyle running man special!! now thats proper tv, replace JK with Jermey Clarkson and wed put x-factor out of business in a week.

Thats all for now but ill be back with more insane rantings of a normal person next time
until then.....be good...and if ya cant be good be careful;D



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The Insane Rantings of a Normal Person

Part 2, Being Stoned........good aint it.

1st time i got stoned i was in my 1st yr of secondary school (yr7) and one bored summer lunchtime i ended up talking myself into going half’s on a 10bag of “skunk” with an older kid called Craig.. think i was about 13 or so..anyways long story short.. i decided its probably best to not smoke it in school since i was a ganja newb and all that jazz. So i said we will smoke it after school and hes said we could go to his cos him mum let him smoke and all that (i later found out she didn’t let him at all... she was just one of those posh mums who couldn’t tell her shitbrat nothing lol)

So after school i call the mothership from one of those old BT phone boxs, that if kicked hard enough near the handle, it would instantly lock some poor bastard in until he kicked it just as hard back...which was far from easy because we needed a run up of around 10 ft and the poor git locked in “public phone box of humiliation” only had a 1ft run up lmao – and believe me it made one hell of a bang if you were inside the box on the receiving end, that i know from experience, if you see one and your with a mate get him to go in and get that fucker back for shagging your sister..... you wont regret it. Kids eh! i spose it was just our equivalent of yesterdays happy slappings and todays kneecappings :D im sure it wasn’t just my school who done that but of course we did it to each other too. Thats where “public phone box of humiliation” started lol
Yes i am aware i kinda went off the subject there, but don’t think of this as a “thing” you are reading. think of it as a conversation where you cant speak and you should follow fine.

As i was saying..... after school i call the mothership from one of those old BT phone boxs and ask if permission would be granted for me to go to a mates house to play some Golden Axe on the megadrive. The mothership confirmed this was an acceptable request and advised me to be back in barracks by 9pm or my left bum cheek would face “court marshal” = leather belt weighed about half a kilo....nice!... but only if you have no feeling from the elbows down.(shit, someone qualified better hug me quick)

Right! Back to it...so me and Craig. Oops sorry! ....Craig and I jump on the bus and go to his house... (Oh! And this was when it cost me 40p in the morning to get to school and 60p after school to get back home, im not even gonna start on transport! thats a whole new episode of the insane rantings of a normal person)
So we get in his front door where he is greeted by his ever so posh mother, who seemed like a pleasant lady “oh hello Craig how was your day darling?...would you and your new friend like some caviar... ill have jeeves catch you some fresh salmon from the pond to the rear of the estate pronto”
Yeah so like i said Craig just basically f*cks his mum off sharpish and we go up about 7 flights of stairs then a ladder to get to his converted loft room – which was uffing cool to me at the time lol

And it is here, where my journey begins......always f*ckin wanted to say that! :)

I'm not gona bore you with the details of the actual smoking experience because i actually cant remember the details lol but i vaguely remember it being quite hilarious and those 4 and half hours or so i was in that loft getting more baked than a 12:30 cheese and onion pasty from greggs, it felt more like 8hrs of juvenile newbie smashing devil superskunk and pepsi induced hilarity.

Like i said, that's about all i remember about that but next part of the tale is me getting off the bus near my house and walking up my road with all kinds of crazy thoughts whizzing around in my head (i looked like that wazzock from the talkt2frank ad... honest:p) i remember thinking....

“shit this is proper fun this is aint it man *hears own laugh in head* shit thats funny cos your talking to yourself like im not you... or myself even??. *laughs back at other self* i dunno what your laughing at man your like 20 yrds from the mothership you better stop talking to me and sort yourself out”.... At this point i think the best word to describe my state would possibly be... paranoid.

Makes me laugh now because looking back, there was nothing i could’ve done to stop the mothership seeing my eyes looking something like what a seasoned drinkers eyes would look like after a 6 day bender with no sleep. And going in the house like speedy Gonzales, popping my head around the front room door and saying in the space of what felt like 2.36 seconds “hi mum im back but im tired so im going to go to sleep..see you in the morning.... nite” certainly wasn’t one of the best moves i made (in retrospect probably one of the best mistakes i ever made lol but thats another episode again;D)
So i zoomed off into me room and..... F*ck it! ...look im not gonna kid you or me lol, i feckin knew there was 0% chance the mothership was not going to notice that kinda odd behaviour so ill just get to it. She interrogated me for about 3mins until i cracked....before you judge me, i was young and inexperienced ok and you don’t know my mum lol.. so it went bit like this......

Mothership - ”several threats i cant remember and lots of swearing”
Me “ok ok man just chill the fuck out man i just had some weed alright”
Mothership –“had some fucking weeed??!!”
Me - “yeah what! You smoke it”
Mothership – “im i fucking adult you little bastard” (which was and is still bollox. Not the bastard bit. The her being an adult bit :D)
Me – “well what anyway im not gona die so just let me go to sleep and leave me alone innit”
Mothership – “again many swear words...who gave it to you etc etc”
Me – “im not saying was me and some mates , you aint the boss of meeeeeee!!! im nearly 14!! Just go and tell someone who cares you can't say nothing you smoke it so you're just a hypocrite”
Mothership - *....censored.......scenes of violence......censored.....*

And that’s nearly the end of the story, im just getting to the moral or the point or whatever it is.

My mothership smoked shitbar in front of me for as long as i can remember – and never once offered me a measly toke, knowing what i know now that was a good thing – well not really, cos i smoked shitbar for years after in school as decent bud was hard to come by then for a 14yr old lol.
But i haven’t touched it for years now and now im proud to say my mothership is running on unleaded superskunk fuel cos of me informing her of the crap that shitbar is often tainted with ;) i know i know.. another one in the bag;D

And btw, i just realised there is no feckin point to this at all.... and why should there be.

Until next time....and remember fukoes...be good, and if you cant be good, be careful ;)


http://www.thctalk.com/cannabis-forum/image.php?u=9508&type=sigpic&dateline=1298331382

The Insane Rantings of a Normal Person

Part 3, - The Sunday Roast

I know this may cause some controversy but i feel if i don’t get this off my chest then i will probably kill someone this very day.

I now officially hate Sunday roasts.

Im sitting here on the verge of breakdown because i know that in about 20mins my Sunday roast will be served to me...”whats the problem” i hear you say...well this is no ordinary Sunday roast!

This Sunday roast comes from the other half’s mother and she, like no other destroyer of dinnertime joy I have ever encountered! has the skill of turning most meals into tasteless offerings of unhappiness.

Not only will my forthcoming Roast be bland and look like an Iceland advert, but it will be the 463rd one ive had the displeasure of enduring; the peas, sprouts, cauliflower and broccoli will all taste exactly the same as the carrots, which i now have a new name for thanks to her;... Little orange soldiers of watery depression.

The meat that will accompany the vegetables will be Beef. Which will be boiled 1st (yes you did just read that) before going into the oven until all taste has been replaced by....no taste.

Shes ruined a British institution for me, its certainly not the only thing she can destroy. Not by a long shot!

Before i was aware of her kitchen ineptness, one day whilst avoiding the right hooks and flying walking sticks and from the granny crew in the reduced section of Sainsburys i bought 2 steaks for a steal!! Fuckin lovely! And man do i love a steak!! rare as fuck, salt, pepper thank you very much mmmm!!

So i bring em home and leave em on the side to get to room temp so i could fry em up and share with the gf when she got in later on....so few hrs go by, the gf gets back, we smoke a few and by then im pretty feckin baked and the gf says she will get her mum to cook them for us, so of course im like ”fuck yeah” crack on woman!......25mins and half a joint later... i go down to get my steak and what greeted me would’ve killed a lesser man.

As i got closer i could see fried onions on top of my steak!! (now i like onions in all forms but do not fucking taint my steak unless i ask!!) That was not all....not only could i see fried fucking onions sitting on top of my steak sweating their juices all into it but the onions were not alone.......

On closer inspection i could see ......*i actually need to breathe and calm down a second here*...On my steak not only were onions present but shed only gone and smothered the fucking lot in Bisto fucking gravy the fucking cuntfukerfuck!!!

And as i stood there with a face like a slapped bottom looking at this sorry excuse for a steak, i see fucking bubble things on the bits where the gravy hasn’t quite ruined yet...the kind of bubble things that you would get if say you had...boiled the meat? .....so i asked....
”erm..how did you cook the steak? Did you boil it?”
“yeah why”
“why?......why did you boil a steak for?”
“i always boil the meat 1st it makes it more tender when you fry it”
I could’ve fucking drop kicked her... but i was calm... “you wha? so you huh?...you don’t boil a steak...that just ruins the taste”

She was obviously offended so i just picked up the plate and said thanks and went off upstairs to show the gf what her dipshit mother done to my fucking steak.

As i got in the room my face could not hide my utter fucking disgust at what she had done to my poor, once delicious steak......i take that shit personal...my food, my smoke, my gf...do not fuck about with.

What could i say though? I mean i had a good 35mins worth of shit to say to her about my steak and what she had done to it but i probably would be single now had i not controlled my tongue. So i shut the fuck up and learned my lesson....but thats just the steak saga...

I could take you back to the Sunday roasts and tell you that when she does chicken on a Sunday it is served with............ *again need to take a breath or two to calm down*.....Bisto gravy!......fucking beef gravy.. on chicken! (if she was a race horse shed be shot)...i just have no idea where she gets this shit from i really don’t?

I made a comment once about sausages and she seemed to take offence when i said “naa not shit sausages like Richmond and that shit...i mean real sausages with actual meat in them”
she was like.... ”what you on about Richmond sausages are proper sausages we been eating them for years they are real sausages”

i mean what do you say to ignorance?

As far as im concerned.... this woman alone is the reason why i hear the words “roast dinner” and actually taste a bit of vomit in the back of my throat.

I mean even the basics of cooking she doesn’t seem to understand. Things like cooking a fry up and putting the toast and eggs on 1st and then cooking the fake Richmond sausages and bacon so that when its all actually cooked half of the shit is cold and needs a zap in the microwave anyway making it just utter yuck..... You fail at cooking!

You'd think i never liked the woman eh lol
Not true at all she is actually a wonderful woman who i get on with really well but like any human she has fails and cooking is deffo one of hers.

Thing is though im hungry and when im hungry, tired or dying for a joint, i can become a complete cunt very quickly and the above is the result of a hungry cock whos just had enough of Richmond sausages, boiled steaks, and chicken with beef gravy!!!

So what im gonna do is when i get the roast is poison the gfs dog with it and cook me up a fuckin pot noodle.

till next time fukoes.....and remember...be good....and if you cant be good....be careful:leaf:

karmacoma
09-03-11, 02:51 PM
normal person

who the fuck you trying to fool?

Up_in_smoke
09-03-11, 03:16 PM
LOL, agreed on all points mate.
Even reading this I feel quite insulted about the bra incident. If a woman reaches for her bra on TV, it should only be to take it off!

Smokeface
09-03-11, 03:18 PM
Can you come to my house tonight and read me bed time stories please???

You certainly have your way with words. Lol

bigbongs
09-03-11, 03:25 PM
:D Pisser, LMFAO.

Subjecting yourself to that sort today time TV is enough to make any sane person slash their wrists.

Whenever I'm off work and see the scum that knob jockey Jeremy Kyle gets on the show it make me want to smash the TV, lucky I don't get much time off to see that shit show then.

ITV should take you up on the offer of revamping the show "cock style", or even better make you the Producer. It would certainly make better viewing and hopefully wipe out some of the losers/ scum who go onto the show. lol:)

bigbongs:bong:

StonedAsFuck
09-03-11, 04:19 PM
and hopefully wipe out some of the losers/ scum who go onto the show. lol:)


but without the losers/scum it would just be another borin ol kilroy! (without jezza being prejudice to blacks ofc) :D

WastedYouth
09-03-11, 06:20 PM
Love the rant cock, whole heartedly agree with you on JK/JC. Down with Jeremy Kyle! Off with his head!

Forest
09-03-11, 07:57 PM
not another i hate jeremy thread? fuck no!

G

blurry-vision
09-03-11, 08:07 PM
Was a bloody good read that mate, I hope you continue to entertain in this manner.

Bravo.

Linsatu
09-03-11, 08:08 PM
All I can do is laugh hahahahahaha soo funny hahahaha

CockRoach
09-03-11, 09:14 PM
lol cheers - G its not a JK hate thread mate its just the insane rantings of a normal person...the subject matter will change depending on my mood and who/what ruined it at the time lol

i think its a blog? never done one so cant really say for sure but Outlaw said i should do one and that hed read it, and someone else said "why would i want to read it you prick! wtf you got to say?" so of course i had to have a go :D

plus someones gotta represent the guttertrash of the forum populous namean chaps :)

Forest
09-03-11, 09:59 PM
ah well thats different cock !

and i hate jeremy more than any one !!! hes a big shitfaced girl imo dont get me started!

now would i read your blog? guttertrash you say?
ill think on it cock

ill tell you what ill read your blog if you post in my diary just so i dont feel so much of a loser!

nice one cock very entertaining thread
lol silly fucker

its all good G

New Age Outlaw
10-03-11, 12:20 AM
Bloody brilliant Cock! Keep it up!

Running Man reality show would be immense. We should have celebrity stalkers of Tommy Wash with a chainsaw, Nigella the knife throwing nympho, Andy Grey can just commemorate and have a shandy whenever his dragging knuckles get in the way.

I's also like to the Adventure Game come back, remember that?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HLX2weZfkA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xi0RPiAbs_w

It had the grunda grunda plant, we can substitute that with one of Dekay's Black Dominas. The adventure game was cooked up on some crazy arse shit I'm sure of it. Tommy Ball Reveals All? You fucker! He of course sired Zoe Ball. Figures.

Nosey Bonk, what the hell was that all about?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_1QyOQDx6w

No wonder us 80's kids are so messed up. Just Say No they implored of us? I didn't need to take crack, these shows did more than enough of skull fucking me.

CockRoach
10-03-11, 12:33 AM
lmao that 1st clip is well disturbing Outlaw it felt like she said "evaporate" about 27 times, dont think i count as a 80s kid tbh born in 82 and growing up in a cut and shut caravan obviously meant money was sparse and no tv til like 92. maybe i do count as 80s and have just blocked it all out cos it was pants most of the time lol

nosey bonk - lol just how the feck did they get away with it? lmfao@that

thunderfeck
10-03-11, 01:18 AM
haha nice post mate laughed out loud a few times, especially from the jeremy kyle "episode titles" you came up with haha. i agree with the keeping shit in the bra thing though. some woman on a dating show the other day pulled somet out of her bra and the guy chose her to go on a date with1! it kind of creeeps me out/ lowers my respect and sexual desire towards said ladies.....

i should start keeping a wad between my bollocks and whip that out - wonder what people would have to say about accepting that dough haha

NLNo5
10-03-11, 01:35 AM
As an American I've really enjoyed the rantings of CR. I'm subscribed. Didn't know who the fuck JK was so I looked him up on the Wiki.

In September 2007, Judge Alan Berg described The Jeremy Kyle Show as trash which existed to "titillate bored members of the public with nothing better to do". He went on to say "It seems to me that the purpose of this show is to affect a morbid and depressing display of dysfunctional people whose lives are in turmoil" and added that it was "human bear-baiting".[5] The judge so characterised it "after [a] husband was provoked into headbutting [his] wife's lover in front of [Kyle's] studio audience".[6]

For every one of these assholes you have over there in Brit-land we've got 5 here in U.S.-land.

Keep up the good work CR.

CockRoach
10-03-11, 02:25 AM
. some woman on a dating show the other day pulled somet out of her bra and the guy chose her to go on a date with1! it kind of creeeps me out/ lowers my respect and sexual desire towards said ladies.....

i should start keeping a wad between my bollocks and whip that out - wonder what people would have to say about accepting that dough haha
agreed and ...lmao

As an American I've really enjoyed the rantings of CR. For every one of these assholes you have over there in Brit-land we've got 5 here in U.S.-land.


nice one mate call me cock please;D CR is so... i dunno but it aint me lol

some strange goings on ere on thct recently? theres like 3 not too bad yanks on here now i might even start having to pretend to feel bad when i take the piss now lol

see what wiki says about "taking the piss" - and come in chat everyday from 12/3pm for cock's special english lessons ;)

BURNZ
10-03-11, 06:57 AM
Cock ! What the fuck you on about now ? lol

You should really try getting a job ya lazy bastard ! Plus don't you know daytime t.v will rot your brain :p

Up_in_smoke
10-03-11, 10:43 AM
That noseybonk is some freaky shit.
Is that where the inspiration for this guy came from: -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SH8wDkqA_50

Sativa Steve
10-03-11, 11:56 AM
PMSL. Cock gets more entertaining by the day.

You should get your own newsletter/email sponsered by thctalk, sent out weekly to all members of thct.

You could be our stoner journalist. Giving us your take on this weeks news. Just a thought.

Forest
10-03-11, 12:14 PM
ah so this is where the blogs are
ive read it already cock!

and nice yanks? narr dont believe it lol

G

CockRoach
10-03-11, 05:26 PM
Cock ! What the fuck you on about now ? lol

You should really try getting a job ya lazy bastard ! Plus don't you know daytime t.v will rot your brain :p
i got one didnt i! part time mischief consultant to my lil bro.

PMSL. Cock gets more entertaining by the day.
You should get your own newsletter/email sponsered by thctalk, sent out weekly to all members of thct.
You could be our stoner journalist. Giving us your take on this weeks news. Just a thought.

lol sounds like fun tbh - we'll see how bad ths bloggin lark goes 1st tho eh

i was thinking of writing up one of me stoner tales and seeing if nuffsaid wanted to use it - dunno if hes liable tho lol

diddymao
10-03-11, 05:32 PM
how about the jeremy kyle die detector test, you fail graham comes out and bludgeons you with his chin

diddymao
10-03-11, 05:38 PM
smoking some sick cheese its like crack, i feel like going raving, some one fetch me my dummy and my glow sticks

Sativa Steve
10-03-11, 05:41 PM
smoking some sick cheese its like crack, i feel like going raving, some one fetch me my dummy and my glow sticks

PMSL at this.

I miss raving :(

CockRoach
11-03-11, 03:11 AM
The Insane Rantings of a Normal Person

Part 2, Being Stoned........good aint it.

1st time i got stoned i was in my 1st yr of secondary school (yr7) and one bored summer lunchtime i ended up talking myself into going half’s on a 10bag of “skunk” with an older kid called Craig.. think i was about 13 or so..anyways long story short.. i decided its probably best to not smoke it in school since i was a ganja newb and all that jazz. So i said we will smoke it after school and hes said we could go to his cos him mum let him smoke and all that (i later found out she didn’t let him at all... she was just one of those posh mums who couldn’t tell her shitbrat nothing lol)

So after school i call the mothership from one of those old BT phone boxs, that if kicked hard enough near the handle, it would instantly lock some poor bastard in until he kicked it just as hard back...which was far from easy because we needed a run up of around 10 ft and the poor git locked in “public phone box of humiliation” only had a 1ft run up lmao – and believe me it made one hell of a bang if you were inside the box on the receiving end, that i know from experience, if you see one and your with a mate get him to go in and get that fucker back for shagging your sister..... you wont regret it. Kids eh! i spose it was just our equivalent of yesterdays happy slappings and todays kneecappings :D im sure it wasn’t just my school who done that but of course we did it to each other too. Thats where “public phone box of humiliation” started lol
Yes i am aware i kinda went off the subject there, but don’t think of this as a “thing” you are reading. think of it as a conversation where you cant speak and you should follow fine.

As i was saying..... after school i call the mothership from one of those old BT phone boxs and ask if permission would be granted for me to go to a mates house to play some Golden Axe on the megadrive. The mothership confirmed this was an acceptable request and advised me to be back in barracks by 9pm or my left bum cheek would face “court marshal” = leather belt weighed about half a kilo....nice!... but only if you have no feeling from the elbows down.(shit, someone qualified better hug me quick)

Right! Back to it...so me and Craig. Oops sorry! ....Craig and I jump on the bus and go to his house... (Oh! And this was when it cost me 40p in the morning to get to school and 60p after school to get back home, im not even gonna start on transport! thats a whole new episode of the insane rantings of a normal person)
So we get in his front door where he is greeted by his ever so posh mother, who seemed like a pleasant lady “oh hello Craig how was your day darling?...would you and your new friend like some caviar... ill have jeeves catch you some fresh salmon from the pond to the rear of the estate pronto”
Yeah so like i said Craig just basically f*cks his mum off sharpish and we go up about 7 flights of stairs then a ladder to get to his converted loft room – which was uffing cool to me at the time lol

And it is here, where my journey begins......always f*ckin wanted to say that! :)

I'm not gona bore you with the details of the actual smoking experience because i actually cant remember the details lol but i vaguely remember it being quite hilarious and those 4 and half hours or so i was in that loft getting more baked than a 12:30 cheese and onion pasty from greggs, it felt more like 8hrs of juvenile newbie smashing devil superskunk and pepsi induced hilarity.

Like i said, that's about all i remember about that but next part of the tale is me getting off the bus near my house and walking up my road with all kinds of crazy thoughts whizzing around in my head (i looked like that wazzock from the talkt2frank ad... honest:p) i remember thinking....

“shit this is proper fun this is aint it man *hears own laugh in head* shit thats funny cos your talking to yourself like im not you... or myself even??. *laughs back at other self* i dunno what your laughing at man your like 20 yrds from the mothership you better stop talking to me and sort yourself out”.... At this point i think the best word to describe my state would possibly be... paranoid.

Makes me laugh now because looking back, there was nothing i could’ve done to stop the mothership seeing my eyes looking something like what a seasoned drinkers eyes would look like after a 6 day bender with no sleep. And going in the house like speedy Gonzales, popping my head around the front room door and saying in the space of what felt like 2.36 seconds “hi mum im back but im tired so im going to go to sleep..see you in the morning.... nite” certainly wasn’t one of the best moves i made (in retrospect probably one of the best mistakes i ever made lol but thats another episode again;D)
So i zoomed off into me room and..... F*ck it! ...look im not gonna kid you or me lol, i feckin knew there was 0% chance the mothership was not going to notice that kinda odd behaviour so ill just get to it. She interrogated me for about 3mins until i cracked....before you judge me, i was young and inexperienced ok and you don’t know my mum lol.. so it went bit like this......

Mothership - ”several threats i cant remember and lots of swearing”
Me “ok ok man just chill the fuck out man i just had some weed alright”
Mothership –“had some fucking weeed??!!”
Me - “yeah what! You smoke it”
Mothership – “im i fucking adult you little bastard” (which was and is still bollox. Not the bastard bit. The her being an adult bit :D)
Me – “well what anyway im not gona die so just let me go to sleep and leave me alone innit”
Mothership – “again many swear words...who gave it to you etc etc”
Me – “im not saying was me and some mates , you aint the boss of meeeeeee!!! im nearly 14!! Just go and tell someone who cares you can't say nothing you smoke it so you're just a hypocrite”
Mothership - *....censored.......scenes of violence......censored.....*

And that’s nearly the end of the story, im just getting to the moral or the point or whatever it is.

My mothership smoked shitbar in front of me for as long as i can remember – and never once offered me a measly toke, knowing what i know now that was a good thing – well not really, cos i smoked shitbar for years after in school as decent bud was hard to come by then for a 14yr old lol.
But i haven’t touched it for years now and now im proud to say my mothership is running on unleaded superskunk fuel cos of me informing her of the crap that shitbar is often tainted with ;) i know i know.. another one in the bag;D

And btw, i just realised there is no feckin point to this at all.... and why should there be.

Until next time....and remember fukoes...be good, and if you cant be good, be careful ;)

TheRealFeanor
11-03-11, 07:36 AM
I've learnt to laugh now at my paranoid inner ramblings.

My first experience was quite so interesting at the age of 14.

1.I had a go on a bong
2. Coughed up a lung
3. Felt ill (I couldn't handle feeling stoned!)
4. Went to bed
5. Woke up stoned
6. Had munchies
7. Wanted to have another go on the bong but brother had gone into town

bergkamp
11-03-11, 09:24 AM
feck me cock your getting a bit carried away now aint you ? as if i can be arsed to read your latest novel .

since you like a nice rant , if you aint seen it already go and download the whole lot of curb your enthusiasm , the best comedy going i think you'll enjoy it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LYXhT9Ze9A&feature=related

and isnt calling yourself normal stretching it a bit ?

CockRoach
11-03-11, 11:23 AM
ahhh shit man i diddnt think it managed to post this last night - lappy went all crazy on me - so it looks messy and stuff cos i was gonna change it a bit this morning - ahh well lol

outlaw will fix it up for me im sure :D

Sativa Steve
11-03-11, 11:58 AM
B
one of those old BT phone boxs, that if kicked hard enough near the handle. would instantly lock some poor bastard in until he kicked it just as hard back...

I got locked in one of them at about age 11, and my so called "friends" at the time then continued to throw smoke bombs in there with me.. All I remember is laying on the floor trying to breathe out the bottom bits! :)

bergkamp
11-03-11, 06:38 PM
All I remember is laying on the floor trying to breathe out the bottom bits! :)

im sure cock will have a field day with that sentance

BURNZ
11-03-11, 08:21 PM
I talk to myself all the time when I'm stoned ! I'm the most entertaining person I know :)

Anyways I'm going back to my basement, my tin foil hat awaits me !

Forest
12-03-11, 03:26 PM
http://looneyfun.com/img/things-you-dont-see-everyday/things-you-dont-see-everyday67.jpg

CockRoach
13-03-11, 09:09 PM
I know this may cause some controversy but i feel if i don’t get this off my chest then i will probably kill someone this very day.

I now officially hate Sunday roasts.

Im sitting here on the verge of breakdown because i know that in about 20mins my Sunday roast will be served to me...”whats the problem” i hear you say...well this is no ordinary Sunday roast!

This Sunday roast comes from the other half’s mother and she, like no other destroyer of dinnertime joy I have ever encountered! has the skill of turning most meals into tasteless offerings of unhappiness.

Not only will my forthcoming Roast be bland and look like an Iceland advert, but it will be the 463rd one ive had the displeasure of enduring; the peas, sprouts, cauliflower and broccoli will all taste exactly the same as the carrots, which i now have a new name for thanks to her;... Little orange soldiers of watery depression.

The meat that will accompany the vegetables will be Beef. Which will be boiled 1st (yes you did just read that) before going into the oven until all taste has been replaced by....no taste.

Shes ruined a British institution for me, its certainly not the only thing she can destroy. Not by a long shot!

Before i was aware of her kitchen ineptness, one day whilst avoiding the right hooks and flying walking sticks and from the granny crew in the reduced section of Sainsburys i bought 2 steaks for a steal!! Fuckin lovely! And man do i love a steak!! rare as fuck, salt, pepper thank you very much mmmm!!

So i bring em home and leave em on the side to get to room temp so i could fry em up and share with the gf when she got in later on....so few hrs go by, the gf gets back, we smoke a few and by then im pretty feckin baked and the gf says she will get her mum to cook them for us, so of course im like ”fuck yeah” crack on woman!......25mins and half a joint later... i go down to get my steak and what greeted me would’ve killed a lesser man.

As i got closer i could see fried onions on top of my steak!! (now i like onions in all forms but do not fucking taint my steak unless i ask!!) That was not all....not only could i see fried fucking onions sitting on top of my steak sweating their juices all into it but the onions were not alone.......

On closer inspection i could see ......*i actually need to breathe and calm down a second here*...On my steak not only were onions present but shed only gone and smothered the fucking lot in Bisto fucking gravy the fucking cuntfukerfuck!!!

And as i stood there with a face like a slapped bottom looking at this sorry excuse for a steak, i see fucking bubble things on the bits where the gravy hasn’t quite ruined yet...the kind of bubble things that you would get if say you had...boiled the meat? .....so i asked....
”erm..how did you cook the steak? Did you boil it?”
“yeah why”
“why?......why did you boil a steak for?”
“i always boil the meat 1st it makes it more tender when you fry it”
I could’ve fucking drop kicked her... but i was calm... “you wha? so you huh?...you don’t boil a steak...that just ruins the taste”

She was obviously offended so i just picked up the plate and said thanks and went off upstairs to show the gf what her dipshit mother done to my fucking steak.

As i got in the room my face could not hide my utter fucking disgust at what she had done to my poor, once delicious steak......i take that shit personal...my food, my smoke, my gf...do not fuck about with.

What could i say though? I mean i had a good 35mins worth of shit to say to her about my steak and what she had done to it but i probably would be single now had i not controlled my tongue. So i shut the fuck up and learned my lesson....but thats just the steak saga...

I could take you back to the Sunday roasts and tell you that when she does chicken on a Sunday it is served with............ *again need to take a breath or two to calm down*.....Bisto gravy!......fucking beef gravy.. on chicken! (if she was a race horse shed be shot)...i just have no idea where she gets this shit from i really don’t?

I made a comment once about sausages and she seemed to take offence when i said “naa not shit sausages like Richmond and that shit...i mean real sausages with actual meat in them”
she was like.... ”what you on about Richmond sausages are proper sausages we been eating them for years they are real sausages”

i mean what do you say to ignorance?

As far as im concerned.... this woman alone is the reason why i hear the words “roast dinner” and actually taste a bit of vomit in the back of my throat.

I mean even the basics of cooking she doesn’t seem to understand. Things like cooking a fry up and putting the toast and eggs on 1st and then cooking the fake Richmond sausages and bacon so that when its all actually cooked half of the shit is cold and needs a zap in the microwave anyway making it just utter yuck..... You fail at cooking!

You'd think i never liked the woman eh lol
Not true at all she is actually a wonderful woman who i get on with really well but like any human she has fails and cooking is deffo one of hers.

Thing is though im hungry and when im hungry, tired or dying for a joint, i can become a complete cunt very quickly and the above is the result of a hungry cock whos just had enough of Richmond sausages, boiled steaks, and chicken with beef gravy!!!

So what im gonna do is when i get the roast is poison the gfs dog with it and cook me up a fuckin pot noodle.

till next time fukoes.....and remember...be good....and if you cant be good....be careful:leaf:

Sativa Steve
13-03-11, 09:16 PM
lol epic!

.

Talpa
13-03-11, 10:49 PM
”what you on about Richmond sausages are proper sausages we been eating them for years they are real sausages”



Thats why mum's go to Icelands!!!

CockRoach
14-03-11, 10:00 AM
Thats why single mum's go to Icelands!!!

yes i said it;D

marmalade dreams
14-03-11, 10:25 AM
I now officially hate Sunday roasts.



:laugh:

So Cock, how was yesterday's offering?

CockRoach
14-03-11, 10:33 AM
i dunno youd have to ask the dog marm. the pot noodle was bangin tho fo shizzle

and i got some pepper steaks for later but they well out of the mum in laws grasp

marmalade dreams
14-03-11, 10:42 AM
You'll have to cook them yourself Cock. 42042

You sound as if you know your way around the kitchen mate...... Hope tonight's dinner makes up for yesterday's Bombay Bad Boy 42041

CockRoach
14-03-11, 10:52 AM
yeah well im one of those blokes that had to learn to cook or my diet would consist of super noodles - pot noodles - micro meals and anything else that can be done by a blind mute munky, i lived on shitbar and noodles for like 3yrs in my late teens. - so i had to teach myself to cook stuff - many fuk-ups and concockshuns later im a half decent cook - i dont know any recopies as such im more a "oh that some of this and that and that and a lil bit of that will work" kinda cook lol

but i do cook better than my gf - she does sandwiches better but yaknow thats just cheating

CockRoach
14-03-11, 11:11 AM
while im talking about noodles - next time you have some try a bit of pre-fried chopped bacon, lil bit of spring onion and grated cheese on top of them - mmmmmmmmmmm

Forest
14-03-11, 03:00 PM
fuck cock you nearly made me feel sorry for ya!

my misses cooks like jamie and looks a little bit better doing it lol

boiled steak that is a classic pmsl @ cock looking at his steak !

now noodles are lovely i like mine with tuns and sweetcorn got the taste for them like that on one of the holidays ive taken !

G

you noodles sound worth a try cock

CockRoach
14-03-11, 03:06 PM
agreed tuna is a viable accompaniment to any pack of noodles.

noodles on toast rocks too.

Forest
14-03-11, 03:08 PM
yep tryed that as well while on hols
made the toast on the iron

G

Mr ukthc
15-03-11, 10:35 PM
Chicken and mushroom potnoodle sandwich. The more butter the better.
I just read all your blog cock and I got to say I been in stitches. You are 1 funney fucker:)

lostorstolen
03-12-11, 07:49 AM
Yes cock I must say you had me laughing for quite some time and the wife could not figure out why,this was some funny stuff. It especially hit home because my ex sister in-law was from somewhere south of London and I honestly thought there was no one else in the world that could actually mess up a roast more than her. Well if your mother in-law doesn't win the title I could introduce her to the ex sister in-law and I guarantee they would end up in a tie. Keep up the good work cock I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Peace.

Bobby Digital
03-12-11, 07:55 AM
cock has been banned mate, he wont be coming back anytime soon mate, pity really the boy did come out with some funny shit from time to time...

Alot of the guys on this forum like cock :D

lostorstolen
03-12-11, 06:08 PM
Sorry haven't been on in awhile had other problems to deal with. Have just been starting to come back on in the last little while. Sorry didn't know he was banned. That was some funny ass stuff though especially about the mother in-laws cooking lol. Thanks again for the heads up.