View Full Version : Cocks IsmokeMag stuff

30-06-11, 12:17 AM
From Issue 3

Hello ISMOKE readers!
S’pose I better start at the start eh.....
The name is Cockroach, most know me simply as Cock! But please don’t let that put you off. I was born on the 7/3/2010 on a forum called ThcTalk and I’ve lived there amongst some of the UKs finest! happily ever since.

I have to confess (before you get any further and realise yourself :rvmp:...I’m not a writer! And I don’t really know what I’m doing here to be honest... I’m just a silly bugger with a keyboard and too much spare time..... As you will soon to find out.

Also, I must plead not guilty to being a medicinal cannabis user, thankfully I’m not of ill health like the many unfortunate medicinal users who actually need cannabis for a better standard of life like my good man Outlaw, who’s actually done a few pieces for ISMOKE... You might know him as Mr Jason Reed? (fame and/or vaporiser must’ve gone to his head because he doesn’t speak to me since being on TV with that murdering bastard! Martin Fowler!!!)......anyway I might not be ill.....but I’m sick in a completely different way :D

A raging Ganjaholic is what I am, and I have been since I was about 14/15 years old, I’ll probably have cannabis in my life forever as far as I can see now – but people and circumstances can change, plus I never liked saying never about anything really, so don’t hold me to that ok...... actually that’s just philosophical bollocks..... I’m gonna bake ‘til i die.

Quite seriously though.. If Weed could fuck you up nearly as much as alcohol then I fear I’d be worse than this guy!...


I showed you that video above because as I sit writing this tale, I’m just two days fresh from the hospital after failing miserably to stave off my latest case of self-inflicted Gastritis. What a shitter that is I can tell you.

That was the 3rd time I’ve had it in two years.....Always after drinking alcohol and not always after a big drinking session either, The 2nd time I had Gastritis all I drank the night before was literally half a bottle of lager with a meal, and the next day I woke up and began to throw up in 10/15min intervals for roughly 12hrs straight...and that’s how it’s gone every time.

I wake up. I puke around 10/15 times in an hour. And while I’m testing how far I can spit my intestines across the room I sound something like the Amityville cookie monster in mating season! It’s not long after this point where I really do think I’m going to die its that bad!

So I beg Cockalina (my better half) to phone the ambulance and off to the local hospital I go, all ready for the usual...which consists of stuff like a temperature gun being shot in my ear every 10 minutes, repetitive interrogations from various different Nurses, Dr’s and Consultants all asking me the exact same questions (NHS not quite heard of pen and paper yet it seems).........

That inflatable armband that measures my blood pressure taking forever and a day to actually take a reading (which must have been inaccurate anyway because they came back 10mins later and did it all over again)...oh and the Saline drips in my arm and anti-sick jabs to the buttocks.

Can I just take this moment to say that “Jab” is such a small word.. What a fooking understatement man! I can tell you right now a jab in the arse feels more like a flaming arrow of pain, shot from the Devil’s own gas powered Cross-Bow aimed directly from hell just to make you scream like Michael Jackson at a Justin Bieber concert... or possibly Justin Bieber at a Michael Jackson concert? Depends on how sick you are......

Anyway like was saying this was my 3rd time in my local hospital for Gastritis and so for that reason, they had a few new tricks they wanted to show me.....
Like how many times a really soft spoken, but at the same time totally unsympathetic Caribbean nurse can totally piss off a sick person by saying “you drank too much beer” – arrrghhhh!!!

I thought to myself...”are you serious woman? I mean you don’t see Jeremy Clarkson doing German TV’s version of X-Factor with French sub-titles do you? ...No you don’t that’s right!! That’s because he hates both X-Factor and Germans equally as much as French caravans! Therefore he would obviously go into work and make everyone’s life a living hell...Why?

Because he would hate his job just like an unsympathetic nurse working in a hospital with sick people would!!!!.....
(ok i was understandably irritable at the time and i only said it in my head so I’m not a complete arsehole)

The nurse’s next trick was the “groin swab” – I’d never heard of that one before! She said it was something to do with MRSA though i suspect she just wanted to make my day even worse! It was painless but quite degrading all the same....Nothing compared to the next trick though.

A new Dr came in and said if the vomiting didn’t stop in say 2 hours they were going to put a camera in my gut and see what was occurring...please bear in mind here, that this was after I had gone through 3hrs of Nurse “you drank too much beer” -3 Saline drip bags - 2 anti sick jabs in the arse and just been carted off to my shiny new
“overnight” room for analysis.

As I’m sure you can imagine, After just hearing the words “Put a Camera in your gut Mr Cock”it couldn’t have got any worse right? Well obviously I should have known better:

“also Mr Cock we’ll need to look at your back passage” .....

“my back passage?...really?”

“yes Mr Cock it wont take a second....its not painful, it might feel slightly uncomfortable but only for a second or two”

“Painful? ....You said you wanted to look at my back passage”

The Dr sighed and had a look on his face that said.. “cmon mate, you really think i want to be here putting things in your arse?... Work with
me here will ffs”

“Ok doc what do you need to do?”

“Ok 1st you will feel some cold gel”

“fantastic “... i thought...... “just brilliant”

“Then we’re going to insert this swab for just a few seconds and after that we’re done”

Again I thought...“Oh Wonderful”, then i saw the swab and thought: ”why didn’t i just get feckin stoned instead of going to the pub?”

But what I actually said was this:

”Look doc, I’ve had a bit of an accident down there due to the vomiting”

He seemed unsurprised and undeterred.....“its fine Mr Cock I’m sure I’ve seen worse before”

I politely declined.....“No really doc its a proper mess mate”...and as I glance over to the shower at the far side of the room I say....“Could I possibly get a towel and clean myself up a bit 1st?”

“Ok Mr Cock the nurse will get you a towel and i shall come back in a little while and we’ll get it done ok”

He obviously thought I was trying to get out of it… Well of course I bloody was I’m not going to lie, but I actually did fire off a few dud skid missiles in my pants while vomiting (hey shit happens:D) and therefore I got in the shower and cleaned myself up.

10mins later I get out of the shower and back in to the bed feeling much much better all of a sudden - its funny how imminent anal penetration can make 12hrs of vomiting seem trivial.

20mins pass and I still feel dodgy but hadn't thrown up in the time the Dr had been gone so was thinking.... “you know I might actually swerve this”.... Just then the door knocks and in comes the doctor swinging his swab of anal indignity about like some E’d up samurai at a jungle rave.

“Hello Mr Cock how are we feeling now”

“well I’ve been in the shower and haven’t thrown up since you left, so I think I actually feel like I could be ok to go home now”

That same sigh and look from the doctor again........“Ok well before that Mr Cock let’s just get this done and hopefully find out once and for all what’s going on with you ok”
I mumbled really, really quietly....”mmm yeh well crack on then.”

“What I need you to do is lie down on your left side, take your trousers below the knee and pull your knees as close to your chin as you can.”

And that is the last detail I wish to remember/share, The rest has been locked
away in that place where you put those never again to be remembered memories, like your mother mooning your in-laws through a police van window at the christening celebration of your child.....(for the record... I don’t condone religion in any way, shape or form!....or mooning!....I just said that for effect)

What I will tell you is that I did squeal like a Piglet,. twice! Once when the gel went on and another big squeal when the swab went beyond the brown abyss.

Now there is a moral to that story and the short version is this: Alcohol is pure evil and Cannabis is far from it.

Think about it - the only reason I had my cherry broken was because I wanted to watch a football game live on sky in the pub, and i don’t have sky because I’m below the poverty line. Still though I’m not the kind of person to go to a pub and just drink Cola or orange juice..When in Rome, right?

The point is this – If there was a cannabis dispensary or a “coffee shop” with sky, next to the pub? Where would you go?

I know for a fact if there was the choice of alcohol or cannabis, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you about my projectile vomiting, arse jabs from hell and anal indiscretions of the embarrassing kind. And let’s not forget the 12 odd hours of Dr’s time I wasted simply because it’s ok for me to buy pints of poison! The real joke
is some bastard’s making a killing from it, all while killing millions.

You know what’s coming next don’t you?
I can’t remember one single time, not one massive weed smoking session, when cannabis alone has ever made me want to punch somebody unjustly! Or helped me end up in a cell for the night so I could “sleep it off”. Not one time at all when cannabis has influenced me to have sex with a really ugly bird
because my beer goggles think they’ve seen her on Jeremy Kyle.....

Answer this: Does cannabis actually do any harm to anyone else apart from the user?
And by harm I mean at worst...Somebody passing out on the couch and waking up on a one man mission to murder all and any snacks that dare cross his path - “Well that’s awful isn’t it? You could end up being a cereal killer?”... Or possibly forgetting to do something important? well obviously it wasn't very important at all.... because if it was really important, you would've remembered it stoned like a 1950s American government test monkey or not......... Stupidly funny, but at the same time not, if you know what i mean?

Just to summarize this drivel at last, I can’t pretend to offer the same medical arguments as my mate Outlaw or shoot from the same political angle as that other good fellow Mr Peter Reynolds... whom I plagiarize daily on Facebook by
the way.... I just applaud them both and all the other real, proper activists of cannabis in the UK.

Me I’m just a stoner pissed off at having a swab rammed up his arsehole because ultimately the government of the UK are ignoring cannabis users and creating more problems than they are solving by not having a cannabis dispensary or
"coffee" shop next to your local pub.

I’ll be going to the upcoming cannabis smoke-up in Hyde Park july 23rd for sure! I’ll be wearing a cockroach suit so come find me and say hello (police officers need not apply) And that’s about it!

Cheers for reading stoners... and just in case you wish you hadn’t... I’ll leave you with this:
“If at any time you look within and feel like a failure, like you can’t do anything right, or that everyone is stronger, faster and more prepared for life than you are! remember this.............Remember that once upon a time! You were the fastest, strongest, most prepared sperm out of approximately 120,000,000 other love bullets in Daddy’s artillery!

Nice one......

30-06-11, 12:50 AM
from issue 4

“A movement must be public... Make sure outsiders see more than just the leader....
Everyone needs to see the followers... Because “new followers” emulate followers.... Not leaders!”

So there i was 20th April 2011, sitting on the grass in Hype Park with two mates on a lovely sunny afternoon whiffing the aromas of many a different strain floating in the air, surrounded by the police and roughly 2000 other stoner’s peacefully smoking lots of weed when it suddenly slapped me in the face... I thought “yeah man! That’s how it should be! This tastes like freedom”

As i sat on the grass with an extra large “special occasion joint” hanging from my lips trying to listen to Cypress Hill’s “hits from the bong” over the police helicopter circling above like a mechanical Vulcher, it reminded me of Notting Hill Carnival and that feeling of liberation me and a few mates get every year when we embark on Tavistock square, sit on the grass, chat to strangers and smoke until 3am like we are all 15 again! Feeling warm in the knowledge that we won’t be arrested never mind looked at by the police!

Then i thought....”why the f*ck is it not like this all the time then?”
Now I’ve seen with my own eyes for years why the police don’t arrest people at Notting Hill Carnival for smoking weed.......but do you?.... I will tell you...It’s because everyone and their mum openly smokes weed at Carnival... that’s why!

There aren’t enough police stations or holding cells in the whole of London to lock up even a quarter of the stoners who turn up each year and openly smoke weed at that annual 1million+ event – and it’s not even cannabis related!.....That’s where the power lies people!...Strength in Numbers!

Just before you get the wrong idea...I’m not anti police at all(on record anyway :D) I’m just anti anyone who wants to take my weed and at the very least not smoke it with me.
In my own experience, most of the police officers who have ever taken weed from me in exchange for a “cannabis warning ticket?” have done so reluctantly...They have far more important things to do, I know that because i ask them as they walk off with my Ganja.....
If asked, they will often admit it’s not cannabis users who fill up the cells of police stations every weekend all over the country.......its drunk people.
But they are just people doing a job at the end of the day; so the blame is not with them is it?

A few days after the Hyde Park 420 event i looked on the net for any “official” media coverage and the best i got was this measly offering from wiki ...(not discounting my ineptness at anything internetty btw! so if you find some media coverage that i couldn’t well done you) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/420_(cannabis_culture)

“In London, 420 protests are held every year; with the 2011 4/20 having the highest turnout for a number of years. On April 20th 2011 around 2,000 people attended 420London, situated in Hyde Park Speakers Corner. The event was marked by several speeches, notably from Peter Reynolds of the newly formed CLEAR (Cannabis law reform) political party. There was no police enforcement of cannabis prohibition laws at the event and at 4:20pm, in-line with tradition there was a mass exhale of Cannabis creating a temporary smoke cloud in Speakers Corner.”

And that’s all i could find! Not one paper article! Not one news clip! Not a thing but that pathetic little paragraph from wiki! It’s disappointing to say the least, but you have to ask yourself why? Why are cannabis users still not recognised or heard?

Were the right/wrong people informed of the event? Were E-mails sent out to National/Local papers etc? Why did they not turn up? And who do we slap? Lol ...“nurse i need a scapegoat stat!”

Listen I’m just a semi-average guy trying to work out all this craziness so bare with me as i ask myself a few things............

“if i can get married to my mate Barry from next door and then adopt a child from the other side of the world then why can’t i smoke a joint in peace?”

“If that child can then grow up and divorce me and his mum Barry, then why can’t i germinate a seed in peace?”

And if i could speak to those in charge id ask them...

“Why can i go to a shop and buy little addictive sticks of cancer and bottles and cans of liver disease when all i want to buy is a £10 bag of cleanly grown, patiently cured cannabis......why is that ?”

“Why do you! Continue to risk over 6million other regular cannabis users health, safety and freedom by forcing us to buy contaminated weed from criminals who otherwise we would never have to cross paths with? The same criminals who often offer other harder drugs?...Three of my friends have been robbed at knifepoint because you force them to buy from these people!

And what about you’re outdated, unsympathetic prohibition laws that would make me a criminal should i ever (wink wink) want to grow my own personal smoke... To grow my own so I can feel safe in the knowledge that i don’t have to meet dodgy people in dark alleyways! So i know I’m not lining the pockets of international organised criminals! To grow my own so that i can be sure of exactly what i am smoking, how strong it is and how it was grown at all times!”

“If you the government can make a profit by legally selling two of the biggest killers of all time in alcohol and tobacco, then why can’t i smoke some goddamn weed which hasn’t killed so much as one human being in over 10,000 years of recorded use!....*Head explodes*

It makes me angry smokers! But what really pisses me off is that some of us don’t even question this madness? Some even say they feel powerless to change cannabis prohibition and that’s just plain scary and infuriatingly annoying at the same time!

For me though It’s just a bit too easy to sit here and blame the ill-educated or ignorant people who know none of the facts about cannabis yet seem to know all the scare story myths... i won’t even blame the government alone for the state we find ourselves in regarding cannabis prohibition.

So I’m not going to blame them, I’m going to blame you instead.

Every pot smoking! Wake’n’Baker! Medicinal user! Recreational toker!, Zoot bunner! Bong hitter! Vape head! And Pipe chuffer!... Im talking to you!!
Any regular user who hasn’t shown their face at a pro cannabis event plays a massive part in keeping cannabis illegal....I’ll say it again so you remember...... “A Massive part in keeping cannabis illegal!!

All of you sitting at home behind your screens who regularly read the featured writers of I-Smoke fighting for our cause and doing their own version of “myth busters” on the anti-cannabis lies churned out by the media weekly, You who agree and cheer but do nothing, you are responsible.

Those who read about the latest cannabis raid of a fellow percy growers home crop are some of the most unforgivable absentees and ill leave that at that, All the people who are sick of having to deal with criminals who sell underweight and often contaminated weed at extortionate prices, Every person who’s ever complained about how unfair it all is and how unjust prohibition is on us unfortunate cannabis users...... i say to you this!!!!

Please get off your arses and act now!! Please stop playing into the “anti cannabis brigades” hands by staying at home and please get your Jeremy Kyle watching arse down to your next, local cannabis event and show these people that we want change! All of us!
There’s no excuse! Apart from “i will lose my job if anyone knows about my cannabis use”.. You guys are safe from my disappointment:) and obviously there are other perfectly valid circumstances for people hiding their cannabis use which is fine, but the rest of you should be ashamed...... or at least feel a little guilty?

I implore you all to watch this video before you continue...(if you do i promise to stop ranting only then will you really “get” what i meant by the quote at the start of the article.......
“A movement must be public!.... Make sure outsiders see more than just the leader....
Everyone needs to see the followers... because “new followers” emulate followers.... Not leaders!”


According to wiki there were 2000 very happy people at Hyde Park smoking an illegal substance with very little bother, That’s 2000 stoners collectively showing one massive middle finger to the ridiculous cannabis prohibition laws we have in the U.K. and yet again funnily enough....as wiki rightly says...

“There was no police enforcement of the cannabis prohibition laws at the event”.......Numbers people! numbers!

Now i imagine most readers are avid weed smokers so mustering any kind of physical movement not involving extending your arm for the next joint is asking a lot :p but it really is up to the little people! And the little people are you!... Me!.... Us!

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito."
— Dalai Lama XIV said that.

Im sorry if i sound like your mother telling you off :D but sometimes a gentle prod
doesn't cut it, sometimes we all just need a kick up the arse!.... Dr Martin said that :D

The next event that im aware of in London, is in Hyde Park again, speaker’s corner 23rd of July 2011 (facebook group - http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=129049830494215 – feel free to make your own canna events for the same day, time and place and share them amongst your fb friends if you think it will help.)

23rd July makes it a Saturday so that should mean a much better turn out than the 20thApril 420 and the (in my opinion) less than impressive 2000 that wiki claims to be.. “the highest turnout for many years”...pffft!........sorry if that offends anyone but 2000 people out of all the weed smokers in West London never mind the whole of London makes me feel like screaming into a pillow!....so again i go back to the video from earlier and say “its up to us to follow”....

I’ll be there and i would say to anyone thinking of coming! Please bring your own weed supply! DO NOT COME EXPECTING TO BUY WEED AT HYDE PARK!!
You might get nicked which is not good for anyone and believe me it attracts the wrong people who don’t represent what we are there for! They represent 1gram £20 bags of 6 week old wet “cheese” and they’ve seen you coming ;)

Have a great summer...

30-06-11, 01:30 AM
Nice one mate, not read those before, funny stuff holmie..! :D

30-06-11, 03:55 AM
Hi mate Grats on the article! :D it's good to see there are people trying to say a word and speak for it's rights! cheers on that!

"Why are cannabis users still not recognised or heard? "
"Why is cannabis illegal?"

Well, first of all, the thing who prohibits cannabis use is law, in other words politics. And that's where it gets ugly.. politics is all about interests, power, money, curroption.
Why would a man with so much power guive you the freedom of somking, the freedom of having your own ideias ,the freedom of.. being yourself? well it wouldnt, that could get him out of the power.... and he doesnt want that. he wants you to work hard for him... and cannabis use doesnt make us work harder... if anything it makes you feel/think diferently.

I saw this documentary on tv, and apparently CIA was studying cannabis ( before it was illegal) and they were trying to make some kind of biological weapon with that and i thot "hmm... you are trying to make a weapon to kill other people, but when that fails it becomes illegal to consume it on ourselfs..." i don't get this crazy ppl...
Well but the picture gets larger, it's not just in cannabis that we get screwed... it's evertwhere... our society it's a mess...
And this thing called money, and who gots it , rules the world for its won benefit. think about this:

we starve when in the world it's produced everyday enough food to feed the entire population
we have cars running on petrol while we could have electrical years and years ago if the guys who won the petrol didn't need to extort us in fuel.
we have cancer when we could have the cure, if some med companies didn't need to sell us radiation poison.
(btw bayer selling meds with HIV to other countries :S

something must be wrong in this society... so much fortune and puberty at the same time... 4000 children die every day due starving, when 1% of the population has 40% of the entire wealth. that's seriously twisted... :S if you got some time watch ZEITGEIST ADDENDUM (http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/), its free to watch, and its realy good. describes how our society works.. and after i saw this i realize that this society it's way more fucked up than i thot.


30-06-11, 03:01 PM
cheers Sumo fella and i have seen the zeitgeist vids but before steve comes in and carry's this on i gotta say this aint really the place for all that depressing stuff, dont wanna sound like a wanker (for once) but theres loads of threads about NWO etc....lets keep it in there eh mate :)

30-06-11, 03:24 PM
yeah you'r right but some thots come into mind while i was typing the cannabis stuff and i had to get them out xD

30-06-11, 03:25 PM
very articulate and entertaining read cock.......always good to make people laugh while you tell them a few home truths.
well done.

30-06-11, 03:32 PM
well cheers wert fella im glad you like ;) and whats articulate mean?

30-06-11, 03:35 PM
very interesting cock haha

no seriously nice one ! :D

30-06-11, 03:37 PM
Lol i read it the other day when we were in chat and i nearly pissed myself lol xx

New Age Outlaw
30-06-11, 05:04 PM
Really got talent Cock! Keep this up mate, they're so good to read! Never fails to make me laugh.

30-06-11, 05:05 PM
whats articulate mean?

it means i will run you over with a lorry if you keep taking the piss....................

30-06-11, 05:08 PM
it means i will run you over with a lorry if you keep taking the piss....................

I thought you had to hand your licence back at 65? :rvmp:

30-06-11, 05:11 PM
I thought you had to hand your licence back at 65? :rvmp:

truck is big enough for you too...........

Mr Swilly
30-06-11, 05:15 PM
good for you cock, cracking stuff.
Must admit, i wasnt surprised that it begun with anal probing story.
all good stuff mate. Hats off for taking the time out to make a difference.

30-06-11, 05:15 PM
like that drunk..how the hell did he get like that is beyond me..why let yourself get to that stage..well funny though

30-06-11, 05:20 PM
Well done mate, enjoyed reading them.

When do I get a mention? As the witty, handsome hero?