Jokes!

[lkdj2003]

Man cooks deer for dinner and wont tell his kids what it is. He gave them a clue, "it's what mum calls dad sometimes", little girl cries "dont eat it! It's a fucking arsehole"


Three men sitting in a sauna, heard a bleeping sound. The american pressed his arm and the bleep stopped. That was my pager, i have a microchip in my arm...Phone rings, japanese man puts his palm to his ear..That was my mobile, i have a chip in my hand. Scotish man not to be outdone, went to the toilet, came back toilet paper hanging from his arse. The others stared at him...Fuck me! would you look at that i'm getting a fax.

[blue widow]

no offence to anyone intended here, and i dont think it will offend tho:

ok dave , a member of the NF is in a car crash, when he comes round the doc says: dave theres good news and bad, dave says, whats the bad news? the doc says, you lost alot of blood so we had to give you 2 pints of asain blood and 2 pints of african blood, dave says F*cksake!!! whats the good news, docs says: your cocks 4" longer and you top of the housing list!!

again soz if offended and admin feel free to delete if its a bit to heavy lol

[blue widow]

Man cooks deer for dinner and wont tell his kids what it is. He gave them a clue, "it's what mum calls dad sometimes", little girl cries "dont eat it! It's a fucking arsehole"


Three men sitting in a sauna, heard a bleeping sound. The american pressed his arm and the bleep stopped. That was my pager, i have a microchip in my arm...Phone rings, japanese man puts his palm to his ear..That was my mobile, i have a chip in my hand. Scotish man not to be outdone, went to the toilet, came back toilet paper hanging from his arse. The others stared at him...Fuck me! would you look at that i'm getting a fax.

hahahahahahaha pmsl fuckin class m8 hahahaha

[lkdj2003]

no offence to anyone intended here, and i dont think it will offend tho:

ok dave , a member of the NF is in a car crash, when he comes round the doc says: dave theres good news and bad, dave says, whats the bad news? the doc says, you lost alot of blood so we had to give you 2 pints of asain blood and 2 pints of african blood, dave says F*cksake!!! whats the good news, docs says: your cocks 4" longer and you top of the housing list!!

again soz if offended and admin feel free to delete if its a bit to heavy lol

Thats fuuny as fuck mate, pmsl.


Voodoo Dick

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to £700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

[blue widow]

pmsl classic m8!


ok whats the perfect engine? a vagina, why? because it fits any size piston,its self lubricating, starts with 1 finger,and does its own oil change every 4 weeks!!

apologies to the ladies on the forum! lol

[TheHappyCamper]

A few classics:


Two fish in a tank...

One says to the other 'I hope you know how to drive this'

__________________________________________________ ______


A man comes from work to discover his girlfriend packing all her stuff up.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"I'm leaving you" she replies.

"Why?" he counters.

"Because I found out you're a paedophile" she cried

"A paedophile? A paedophile?" he exclaimed.

"That's a pretty big word for a ten year old!"


_________________________________________________

I've been banned from b&q because as i walked in a prick in an orange jacket ask if i wanted decking,

Luckily i got the first punch in.

__________________________________________________ _

Sad News,
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which went almost unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the
age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in....... then the trouble started.

__________________________________________________


There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
" It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

__________________________________________________ ____________

Two English men and a Japanese man get recruited to work on a building site. The project manager assigns English man one to construction, English man two to logistics and the Japanese man to supplies.

Having left the men to it the project manager comes back and sees nothing has been done. He speaks to the English men and they say 'We haven't been able to do anything, we don't have any supplies'.

The project manager asks where the Japanese man is, the Englishmen point to a pile of rubble. The project manager goes over the the pile of rubble and out jumps the Japanese man....








SUPPLIES!!!







NONE OF THESE JOKES WERE MEANT TO OFFEND. I'M SORRY IF THEY HAVE.

[Bitterfly]

no offence to anyone intended here, and i dont think it will offend tho:

ok dave , a member of the NF is in a car crash, when he comes round the doc says: dave theres good news and bad, dave says, whats the bad news? the doc says, you lost alot of blood so we had to give you 2 pints of asain blood and 2 pints of african blood, dave says F*cksake!!! whats the good news, docs says: your cocks 4" longer and you top of the housing list!!

again soz if offended and admin feel free to delete if its a bit to heavy lol

haha nice one

[Ashtray]

haha some funny shit here

[!HEMPFRUIT!]

A few classics:


Two fish in a tank...

One says to the other 'I hope you know how to drive this'

__________________________________________________ ______


A man comes from work to discover his girlfriend packing all her stuff up.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"I'm leaving you" she replies.

"Why?" he counters.

"Because I found out you're a paedophile" she cried

"A paedophile? A paedophile?" he exclaimed.

"That's a pretty big word for a ten year old!"


_________________________________________________

I've been banned from b&q because as i walked in a prick in an orange jacket ask if i wanted decking,

Luckily i got the first punch in.

__________________________________________________ _

Sad News,
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which went almost unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the
age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in....... then the trouble started.

__________________________________________________


There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
" It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

__________________________________________________ ____________

Two English men and a Japanese man get recruited to work on a building site. The project manager assigns English man one to construction, English man two to logistics and the Japanese man to supplies.

Having left the men to it the project manager comes back and sees nothing has been done. He speaks to the English men and they say 'We haven't been able to do anything, we don't have any supplies'.

The project manager asks where the Japanese man is, the Englishmen point to a pile of rubble. The project manager goes over the the pile of rubble and out jumps the Japanese man....








SUPPLIES!!!







NONE OF THESE JOKES WERE MEANT TO OFFEND. I'M SORRY IF THEY HAVE.

lmao al gddd!

[up2nogood]

If any of these jokes offend anyone..tough!! no..only jokes after all..

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

”a really ugly girl walked into the doctors office because she thought that she had a disease.So she went to the office and the doctor said”if we really want to find out i will need you to strip please”.The lady stripped down completely and the doctor gave her a stern look and said”oh my this is not good at all”,he sighed.”whats wrong doctor”?im very sorry to say this but you have exzackery disease”.”Whats that”?Its when your face looks exzackery like your butt."

A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer.
About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer he asked the bird if it had learned its lesson. The parrot said "I sure did. By the way, what the fuck did that turkey do?"

Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. Your dog is barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's banging on the front door wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through that?"

Q. What does a drunk walrus and woman at a Tupperware party have in common?
A. They're both out looking for a tight seal.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your penis?
A. Your wife blows your paycheck!

Q. What's in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise?
A. The captains log.

Q. What do cowboy hats and hemorrhoids have in common?
A. Sooner or later, every asshole gets one.

Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. A bingo game.