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Thread: The insane rantings of a normal person.

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    Default The insane rantings of a normal person.

    Part 1

    Yesterday as i was in the process of building my 3rd spliff of the day, the normally ignored tv suddenly caught my attention. It was that show "Dickinson's real deal" and some emo guy had brought in an old sword to either sell to the old tatt dealer or sell at auction.

    So as i salivate over the icky bit of my bigblue rizla im kinda half listening to what this female dealer is saying to the emo guy about the sword... when she says "ok ill make you an offer"....bare in mind this bird looked like what you'd get if you putt Jabba the Hutt in drag and made him the face of L'Oreal..."because i ate it"

    At this point im actually watching this shit because... one, it was a nice sword and two, an Emo getting robbed blind is gonna make anyones day innit.
    So Jabba the Hutt Clairy aka enemy of weight watchers all over the world goes to get her cash out.....and she only reaches into her bra and pulls out a wad of £50s!! her bra ffs!! on daytime TV!!

    To say i felt uncomfortable would be a huge understatement...but it did make me think.. i must be getting old or just in general more miserable/scottish as time goes by because really... for all i was taking the piss out of her, it really did offend me a little (i think anyway).

    so i spose the point of me feeling like i needed to say this is because i prefer a lady to be a lady! and not a dirty slut! unless i ask her to be 1st but yaknow like theres a time and a place for certain things and daytime tv is not the time to get you cash from out of your cleavage in my opinion.

    As im on the subject of tv lets get a few more peeves out the way eh.. lets go for the king of scum viewing! coming in at number one on the complete and utter junk tv shitlist is.....Yes The Jeremy Kyle Show

    Now Jeremy Kyle himself doesn't even nearly fuck with my serenity meter as much as the utter and complete scum he gets on that abomination of a show every day. If it was my show i'd change the name to "Cockroaches Inbred Circus factor" and have them compete in a series of challenges like...
    Russian Roulette.
    Bare knuckle boxing.
    Water boarding.
    and spiky baseball bat therapy.

    and i'd most definitely get more creative with the show titles......

    17yrs old, 10 kids, 14 possible fathers!! "It aint my fault, Iceland ran out of condoms"
    "Are you my child's father"..."its possible love, i do have a penis"
    "i had sex with my sister........ after all my mates"... who is the aids courier?

    And not to mention the relentless volley of reality shows we are bombarded with...

    Only reality show ive ever wanted to see made was running man – id watch that

    Jermey Kyle running man special!! now thats proper tv, replace JK with Jermey Clarkson and wed put x-factor out of business in a week.

    Thats all for now but ill be back with more insane rantings of a normal person next time
    until then.....be good...and if ya cant be good be careful;D




    The Insane Rantings of a Normal Person

    Part 2, Being Stoned........good aint it.

    1st time i got stoned i was in my 1st yr of secondary school (yr7) and one bored summer lunchtime i ended up talking myself into going half’s on a 10bag of “skunk” with an older kid called Craig.. think i was about 13 or so..anyways long story short.. i decided its probably best to not smoke it in school since i was a ganja newb and all that jazz. So i said we will smoke it after school and hes said we could go to his cos him mum let him smoke and all that (i later found out she didn’t let him at all... she was just one of those posh mums who couldn’t tell her shitbrat nothing lol)

    So after school i call the mothership from one of those old BT phone boxs, that if kicked hard enough near the handle, it would instantly lock some poor bastard in until he kicked it just as hard back...which was far from easy because we needed a run up of around 10 ft and the poor git locked in “public phone box of humiliation” only had a 1ft run up lmao – and believe me it made one hell of a bang if you were inside the box on the receiving end, that i know from experience, if you see one and your with a mate get him to go in and get that fucker back for shagging your sister..... you wont regret it. Kids eh! i spose it was just our equivalent of yesterdays happy slappings and todays kneecappings im sure it wasn’t just my school who done that but of course we did it to each other too. Thats where “public phone box of humiliation” started lol
    Yes i am aware i kinda went off the subject there, but don’t think of this as a “thing” you are reading. think of it as a conversation where you cant speak and you should follow fine.

    As i was saying..... after school i call the mothership from one of those old BT phone boxs and ask if permission would be granted for me to go to a mates house to play some Golden Axe on the megadrive. The mothership confirmed this was an acceptable request and advised me to be back in barracks by 9pm or my left bum cheek would face “court marshal” = leather belt weighed about half a kilo....nice!... but only if you have no feeling from the elbows down.(shit, someone qualified better hug me quick)

    Right! Back to it...so me and Craig. Oops sorry! ....Craig and I jump on the bus and go to his house... (Oh! And this was when it cost me 40p in the morning to get to school and 60p after school to get back home, im not even gonna start on transport! thats a whole new episode of the insane rantings of a normal person)
    So we get in his front door where he is greeted by his ever so posh mother, who seemed like a pleasant lady “oh hello Craig how was your day darling?...would you and your new friend like some caviar... ill have jeeves catch you some fresh salmon from the pond to the rear of the estate pronto”
    Yeah so like i said Craig just basically f*cks his mum off sharpish and we go up about 7 flights of stairs then a ladder to get to his converted loft room – which was uffing cool to me at the time lol

    And it is here, where my journey begins......always f*ckin wanted to say that!

    I'm not gona bore you with the details of the actual smoking experience because i actually cant remember the details lol but i vaguely remember it being quite hilarious and those 4 and half hours or so i was in that loft getting more baked than a 12:30 cheese and onion pasty from greggs, it felt more like 8hrs of juvenile newbie smashing devil superskunk and pepsi induced hilarity.

    Like i said, that's about all i remember about that but next part of the tale is me getting off the bus near my house and walking up my road with all kinds of crazy thoughts whizzing around in my head (i looked like that wazzock from the talkt2frank ad... honest) i remember thinking....

    “shit this is proper fun this is aint it man *hears own laugh in head* shit thats funny cos your talking to yourself like im not you... or myself even??. *laughs back at other self* i dunno what your laughing at man your like 20 yrds from the mothership you better stop talking to me and sort yourself out”.... At this point i think the best word to describe my state would possibly be... paranoid.

    Makes me laugh now because looking back, there was nothing i could’ve done to stop the mothership seeing my eyes looking something like what a seasoned drinkers eyes would look like after a 6 day bender with no sleep. And going in the house like speedy Gonzales, popping my head around the front room door and saying in the space of what felt like 2.36 seconds “hi mum im back but im tired so im going to go to sleep..see you in the morning.... nite” certainly wasn’t one of the best moves i made (in retrospect probably one of the best mistakes i ever made lol but thats another episode again;D)
    So i zoomed off into me room and..... F*ck it! ...look im not gonna kid you or me lol, i feckin knew there was 0% chance the mothership was not going to notice that kinda odd behaviour so ill just get to it. She interrogated me for about 3mins until i cracked....before you judge me, i was young and inexperienced ok and you don’t know my mum lol.. so it went bit like this......

    Mothership - ”several threats i cant remember and lots of swearing”
    Me “ok ok man just chill the fuck out man i just had some weed alright”
    Mothership –“had some fucking weeed??!!”
    Me - “yeah what! You smoke it”
    Mothership – “im i fucking adult you little bastard” (which was and is still bollox. Not the bastard bit. The her being an adult bit )
    Me – “well what anyway im not gona die so just let me go to sleep and leave me alone innit”
    Mothership – “again many swear words...who gave it to you etc etc”
    Me – “im not saying was me and some mates , you aint the boss of meeeeeee!!! im nearly 14!! Just go and tell someone who cares you can't say nothing you smoke it so you're just a hypocrite”
    Mothership - *....censored.......scenes of violence......censored.....*

    And that’s nearly the end of the story, im just getting to the moral or the point or whatever it is.

    My mothership smoked shitbar in front of me for as long as i can remember – and never once offered me a measly toke, knowing what i know now that was a good thing – well not really, cos i smoked shitbar for years after in school as decent bud was hard to come by then for a 14yr old lol.
    But i haven’t touched it for years now and now im proud to say my mothership is running on unleaded superskunk fuel cos of me informing her of the crap that shitbar is often tainted with i know i know.. another one in the bag;D

    And btw, i just realised there is no feckin point to this at all.... and why should there be.

    Until next time....and remember fukoes...be good, and if you cant be good, be careful


    The Insane Rantings of a Normal Person

    Part 3, - The Sunday Roast

    I know this may cause some controversy but i feel if i don’t get this off my chest then i will probably kill someone this very day.

    I now officially hate Sunday roasts.

    Im sitting here on the verge of breakdown because i know that in about 20mins my Sunday roast will be served to me...”whats the problem” i hear you say...well this is no ordinary Sunday roast!

    This Sunday roast comes from the other half’s mother and she, like no other destroyer of dinnertime joy I have ever encountered! has the skill of turning most meals into tasteless offerings of unhappiness.

    Not only will my forthcoming Roast be bland and look like an Iceland advert, but it will be the 463rd one ive had the displeasure of enduring; the peas, sprouts, cauliflower and broccoli will all taste exactly the same as the carrots, which i now have a new name for thanks to her;... Little orange soldiers of watery depression.

    The meat that will accompany the vegetables will be Beef. Which will be boiled 1st (yes you did just read that) before going into the oven until all taste has been replaced by....no taste.

    Shes ruined a British institution for me, its certainly not the only thing she can destroy. Not by a long shot!

    Before i was aware of her kitchen ineptness, one day whilst avoiding the right hooks and flying walking sticks and from the granny crew in the reduced section of Sainsburys i bought 2 steaks for a steal!! Fuckin lovely! And man do i love a steak!! rare as fuck, salt, pepper thank you very much mmmm!!

    So i bring em home and leave em on the side to get to room temp so i could fry em up and share with the gf when she got in later on....so few hrs go by, the gf gets back, we smoke a few and by then im pretty feckin baked and the gf says she will get her mum to cook them for us, so of course im like ”fuck yeah” crack on woman!......25mins and half a joint later... i go down to get my steak and what greeted me would’ve killed a lesser man.

    As i got closer i could see fried onions on top of my steak!! (now i like onions in all forms but do not fucking taint my steak unless i ask!!) That was not all....not only could i see fried fucking onions sitting on top of my steak sweating their juices all into it but the onions were not alone.......

    On closer inspection i could see ......*i actually need to breathe and calm down a second here*...On my steak not only were onions present but shed only gone and smothered the fucking lot in Bisto fucking gravy the fucking cuntfukerfuck!!!

    And as i stood there with a face like a slapped bottom looking at this sorry excuse for a steak, i see fucking bubble things on the bits where the gravy hasn’t quite ruined yet...the kind of bubble things that you would get if say you had...boiled the meat? .....so i asked....
    ”erm..how did you cook the steak? Did you boil it?”
    “yeah why”
    “why?......why did you boil a steak for?”
    “i always boil the meat 1st it makes it more tender when you fry it”
    I could’ve fucking drop kicked her... but i was calm... “you wha? so you huh?...you don’t boil a steak...that just ruins the taste”

    She was obviously offended so i just picked up the plate and said thanks and went off upstairs to show the gf what her dipshit mother done to my fucking steak.

    As i got in the room my face could not hide my utter fucking disgust at what she had done to my poor, once delicious steak......i take that shit personal...my food, my smoke, my gf...do not fuck about with.

    What could i say though? I mean i had a good 35mins worth of shit to say to her about my steak and what she had done to it but i probably would be single now had i not controlled my tongue. So i shut the fuck up and learned my lesson....but thats just the steak saga...

    I could take you back to the Sunday roasts and tell you that when she does chicken on a Sunday it is served with............ *again need to take a breath or two to calm down*.....Bisto gravy!......fucking beef gravy.. on chicken! (if she was a race horse shed be shot)...i just have no idea where she gets this shit from i really don’t?

    I made a comment once about sausages and she seemed to take offence when i said “naa not shit sausages like Richmond and that shit...i mean real sausages with actual meat in them”
    she was like.... ”what you on about Richmond sausages are proper sausages we been eating them for years they are real sausages”

    i mean what do you say to ignorance?

    As far as im concerned.... this woman alone is the reason why i hear the words “roast dinner” and actually taste a bit of vomit in the back of my throat.

    I mean even the basics of cooking she doesn’t seem to understand. Things like cooking a fry up and putting the toast and eggs on 1st and then cooking the fake Richmond sausages and bacon so that when its all actually cooked half of the shit is cold and needs a zap in the microwave anyway making it just utter yuck..... You fail at cooking!

    You'd think i never liked the woman eh lol
    Not true at all she is actually a wonderful woman who i get on with really well but like any human she has fails and cooking is deffo one of hers.

    Thing is though im hungry and when im hungry, tired or dying for a joint, i can become a complete cunt very quickly and the above is the result of a hungry cock whos just had enough of Richmond sausages, boiled steaks, and chicken with beef gravy!!!

    So what im gonna do is when i get the roast is poison the gfs dog with it and cook me up a fuckin pot noodle.

    till next time fukoes.....and remember...be good....and if you cant be good....be careful
    Last edited by New Age Outlaw; 15-03-11 at 07:57 PM.

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  3. #2

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    Quote Originally Posted by CockRoach View Post
    normal person
    who the fuck you trying to fool?

    nobody's perfect, we all make mistackes.

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    LOL, agreed on all points mate.
    Even reading this I feel quite insulted about the bra incident. If a woman reaches for her bra on TV, it should only be to take it off!

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    Can you come to my house tonight and read me bed time stories please???

    You certainly have your way with words. Lol

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    Pisser, LMFAO.

    Subjecting yourself to that sort today time TV is enough to make any sane person slash their wrists.

    Whenever I'm off work and see the scum that knob jockey Jeremy Kyle gets on the show it make me want to smash the TV, lucky I don't get much time off to see that shit show then.

    ITV should take you up on the offer of revamping the show "cock style", or even better make you the Producer. It would certainly make better viewing and hopefully wipe out some of the losers/ scum who go onto the show. lol

    bigbongs
    Roll it, Poke it, Light it, Smoke it

    Pick it, Pack it, Fire it up, come along and take a hit from the bong :

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    Quote Originally Posted by bigbongs View Post
    and hopefully wipe out some of the losers/ scum who go onto the show. lol
    but without the losers/scum it would just be another borin ol kilroy! (without jezza being prejudice to blacks ofc)

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    Love the rant cock, whole heartedly agree with you on JK/JC. Down with Jeremy Kyle! Off with his head!

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    not another i hate jeremy thread? fuck no!

    G

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    Was a bloody good read that mate, I hope you continue to entertain in this manner.

    Bravo.

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    All I can do is laugh hahahahahaha soo funny hahahaha

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