From Issue 3
Hello ISMOKE readers!
S’pose I better start at the start eh.....
The name is Cockroach, most know me simply as Cock! But please don’t let that put you off. I was born on the 7/3/2010 on a forum called ThcTalk and I’ve lived there amongst some of the UKs finest! happily ever since.
I have to confess (before you get any further and realise yourself ...I’m not a writer! And I don’t really know what I’m doing here to be honest... I’m just a silly bugger with a keyboard and too much spare time..... As you will soon to find out.
Also, I must plead not guilty to being a medicinal cannabis user, thankfully I’m not of ill health like the many unfortunate medicinal users who actually need cannabis for a better standard of life like my good man Outlaw, who’s actually done a few pieces for ISMOKE... You might know him as Mr Jason Reed? (fame and/or vaporiser must’ve gone to his head because he doesn’t speak to me since being on TV with that murdering bastard! Martin Fowler!!!)......anyway I might not be ill.....but I’m sick in a completely different way
A raging Ganjaholic is what I am, and I have been since I was about 14/15 years old, I’ll probably have cannabis in my life forever as far as I can see now – but people and circumstances can change, plus I never liked saying never about anything really, so don’t hold me to that ok...... actually that’s just philosophical bollocks..... I’m gonna bake ‘til i die.
Quite seriously though.. If Weed could fuck you up nearly as much as alcohol then I fear I’d be worse than this guy!...
I showed you that video above because as I sit writing this tale, I’m just two days fresh from the hospital after failing miserably to stave off my latest case of self-inflicted Gastritis. What a shitter that is I can tell you.
That was the 3rd time I’ve had it in two years.....Always after drinking alcohol and not always after a big drinking session either, The 2nd time I had Gastritis all I drank the night before was literally half a bottle of lager with a meal, and the next day I woke up and began to throw up in 10/15min intervals for roughly 12hrs straight...and that’s how it’s gone every time.
I wake up. I puke around 10/15 times in an hour. And while I’m testing how far I can spit my intestines across the room I sound something like the Amityville cookie monster in mating season! It’s not long after this point where I really do think I’m going to die its that bad!
So I beg Cockalina (my better half) to phone the ambulance and off to the local hospital I go, all ready for the usual...which consists of stuff like a temperature gun being shot in my ear every 10 minutes, repetitive interrogations from various different Nurses, Dr’s and Consultants all asking me the exact same questions (NHS not quite heard of pen and paper yet it seems).........
That inflatable armband that measures my blood pressure taking forever and a day to actually take a reading (which must have been inaccurate anyway because they came back 10mins later and did it all over again)...oh and the Saline drips in my arm and anti-sick jabs to the buttocks.
Can I just take this moment to say that “Jab” is such a small word.. What a fooking understatement man! I can tell you right now a jab in the arse feels more like a flaming arrow of pain, shot from the Devil’s own gas powered Cross-Bow aimed directly from hell just to make you scream like Michael Jackson at a Justin Bieber concert... or possibly Justin Bieber at a Michael Jackson concert? Depends on how sick you are......
Anyway like was saying this was my 3rd time in my local hospital for Gastritis and so for that reason, they had a few new tricks they wanted to show me.....
Like how many times a really soft spoken, but at the same time totally unsympathetic Caribbean nurse can totally piss off a sick person by saying “you drank too much beer” – arrrghhhh!!!
I thought to myself...”are you serious woman? I mean you don’t see Jeremy Clarkson doing German TV’s version of X-Factor with French sub-titles do you? ...No you don’t that’s right!! That’s because he hates both X-Factor and Germans equally as much as French caravans! Therefore he would obviously go into work and make everyone’s life a living hell...Why?
Because he would hate his job just like an unsympathetic nurse working in a hospital with sick people would!!!!.....
(ok i was understandably irritable at the time and i only said it in my head so I’m not a complete arsehole)
The nurse’s next trick was the “groin swab” – I’d never heard of that one before! She said it was something to do with MRSA though i suspect she just wanted to make my day even worse! It was painless but quite degrading all the same....Nothing compared to the next trick though.
A new Dr came in and said if the vomiting didn’t stop in say 2 hours they were going to put a camera in my gut and see what was occurring...please bear in mind here, that this was after I had gone through 3hrs of Nurse “you drank too much beer” -3 Saline drip bags - 2 anti sick jabs in the arse and just been carted off to my shiny new
“overnight” room for analysis.
As I’m sure you can imagine, After just hearing the words “Put a Camera in your gut Mr Cock”it couldn’t have got any worse right? Well obviously I should have known better:
“also Mr Cock we’ll need to look at your back passage” .....
“my back passage?...really?”
“yes Mr Cock it wont take a second....its not painful, it might feel slightly uncomfortable but only for a second or two”
“Painful? ....You said you wanted to look at my back passage”
The Dr sighed and had a look on his face that said.. “cmon mate, you really think i want to be here putting things in your arse?... Work with
me here will ffs”
“Ok doc what do you need to do?”
“Ok 1st you will feel some cold gel”
“fantastic “... i thought...... “just brilliant”
“Then we’re going to insert this swab for just a few seconds and after that we’re done”
Again I thought...“Oh Wonderful”, then i saw the swab and thought: ”why didn’t i just get feckin stoned instead of going to the pub?”
But what I actually said was this:
”Look doc, I’ve had a bit of an accident down there due to the vomiting”
He seemed unsurprised and undeterred.....“its fine Mr Cock I’m sure I’ve seen worse before”
I politely declined.....“No really doc its a proper mess mate”...and as I glance over to the shower at the far side of the room I say....“Could I possibly get a towel and clean myself up a bit 1st?”
“Ok Mr Cock the nurse will get you a towel and i shall come back in a little while and we’ll get it done ok”
He obviously thought I was trying to get out of it… Well of course I bloody was I’m not going to lie, but I actually did fire off a few dud skid missiles in my pants while vomiting (hey shit happens) and therefore I got in the shower and cleaned myself up.
10mins later I get out of the shower and back in to the bed feeling much much better all of a sudden - its funny how imminent anal penetration can make 12hrs of vomiting seem trivial.
20mins pass and I still feel dodgy but hadn't thrown up in the time the Dr had been gone so was thinking.... “you know I might actually swerve this”.... Just then the door knocks and in comes the doctor swinging his swab of anal indignity about like some E’d up samurai at a jungle rave.
“Hello Mr Cock how are we feeling now”
“well I’ve been in the shower and haven’t thrown up since you left, so I think I actually feel like I could be ok to go home now”
That same sigh and look from the doctor again........“Ok well before that Mr Cock let’s just get this done and hopefully find out once and for all what’s going on with you ok”
I mumbled really, really quietly....”mmm yeh well crack on then.”
“What I need you to do is lie down on your left side, take your trousers below the knee and pull your knees as close to your chin as you can.”
And that is the last detail I wish to remember/share, The rest has been locked
away in that place where you put those never again to be remembered memories, like your mother mooning your in-laws through a police van window at the christening celebration of your child.....(for the record... I don’t condone religion in any way, shape or form!....or mooning!....I just said that for effect)
What I will tell you is that I did squeal like a Piglet,. twice! Once when the gel went on and another big squeal when the swab went beyond the brown abyss.
Now there is a moral to that story and the short version is this: Alcohol is pure evil and Cannabis is far from it.
Think about it - the only reason I had my cherry broken was because I wanted to watch a football game live on sky in the pub, and i don’t have sky because I’m below the poverty line. Still though I’m not the kind of person to go to a pub and just drink Cola or orange juice..When in Rome, right?
The point is this – If there was a cannabis dispensary or a “coffee shop” with sky, next to the pub? Where would you go?
I know for a fact if there was the choice of alcohol or cannabis, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you about my projectile vomiting, arse jabs from hell and anal indiscretions of the embarrassing kind. And let’s not forget the 12 odd hours of Dr’s time I wasted simply because it’s ok for me to buy pints of poison! The real joke
is some bastard’s making a killing from it, all while killing millions.
You know what’s coming next don’t you?
I can’t remember one single time, not one massive weed smoking session, when cannabis alone has ever made me want to punch somebody unjustly! Or helped me end up in a cell for the night so I could “sleep it off”. Not one time at all when cannabis has influenced me to have sex with a really ugly bird
because my beer goggles think they’ve seen her on Jeremy Kyle.....
Answer this: Does cannabis actually do any harm to anyone else apart from the user?
And by harm I mean at worst...Somebody passing out on the couch and waking up on a one man mission to murder all and any snacks that dare cross his path - “Well that’s awful isn’t it? You could end up being a cereal killer?”... Or possibly forgetting to do something important? well obviously it wasn't very important at all.... because if it was really important, you would've remembered it stoned like a 1950s American government test monkey or not......... Stupidly funny, but at the same time not, if you know what i mean?
Just to summarize this drivel at last, I can’t pretend to offer the same medical arguments as my mate Outlaw or shoot from the same political angle as that other good fellow Mr Peter Reynolds... whom I plagiarize daily on Facebook by
the way.... I just applaud them both and all the other real, proper activists of cannabis in the UK.
Me I’m just a stoner pissed off at having a swab rammed up his arsehole because ultimately the government of the UK are ignoring cannabis users and creating more problems than they are solving by not having a cannabis dispensary or
"coffee" shop next to your local pub.
I’ll be going to the upcoming cannabis smoke-up in Hyde Park july 23rd for sure! I’ll be wearing a cockroach suit so come find me and say hello (police officers need not apply) And that’s about it!
Cheers for reading stoners... and just in case you wish you hadn’t... I’ll leave you with this:
“If at any time you look within and feel like a failure, like you can’t do anything right, or that everyone is stronger, faster and more prepared for life than you are! remember this.............Remember that once upon a time! You were the fastest, strongest, most prepared sperm out of approximately 120,000,000 other love bullets in Daddy’s artillery!
Nice one......
Cock
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