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Thread: share ur jokes here

  1. Default

    The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She’s beautiful, isn’t she?"

    I said, "If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my missus mate."

    He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

    I said, "No, she's an optician!"

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  3. Default

    Just back from a holiday in Thailand & I came close to shagging a ladyboy! Looked like a lady, walked & talked like a lady, kissed like a lady.

    It was only when she drove me to her place & reversed the car in the garage first time I thought to myself, "Hang on a fucking minute?"

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  5. Default

    I came out of Tesco and there was a woman looking upset. She'd lost all her holiday money she'd been saving for months. I felt so sorry for her that I gave her £50...

    I don't usually do that kind of thing but, I'd just found £2000 in the carpark!

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  7. Default

    Just seen a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out...

    He said he'll be fine. He's just going through a rough patch!

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  9. Default

    My teacher pointed a ruler at me and said, "At the end of this ruler is an idiot."

    I got detention for asking, "Which end?"

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  11. Default

    My boss said to me, "Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?"

    I said, "It's because I'm allergic to fucking peanuts!"

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  13. #6207

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    Quote Originally Posted by IceCalibur View Post
    My teacher pointed a ruler at me and said, "At the end of this ruler is an idiot."

    I got detention for asking, "Which end?"
    i did too
    also caught the chalk duster he aimed at me n fired it straight back at him!
    skin it roll it lick it twist it.


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    Quote Originally Posted by lipnobody View Post
    i did too
    also caught the chalk duster he aimed at me n fired it straight back at him!
    Lol...also caught the chalk duster and threw it back...got suspended as it hit him square in the face those were the days...

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  17. #6209

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    Quote Originally Posted by AND View Post
    Lol...also caught the chalk duster and threw it back...got suspended as it hit him square in the face those were the days...
    mine caught him above the left ear! still has a cauliflower ear from it, my dear grandmother still sees him occasionally in sainsburys.
    they tried to suspend me then but all hell broke loose when mother found out he threw it at me first
    did ya ever get the punishment of cleaning the chalkduster with the wooden ruler AND? they soon stopped when i used to walk in all white from the dust

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  19. #6210

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    Quote Originally Posted by lipnobody View Post
    mine caught him above the left ear! still has a cauliflower ear from it, my dear grandmother still sees him occasionally in sainsburys.
    they tried to suspend me then but all hell broke loose when mother found out he threw it at me first
    did ya ever get the punishment of cleaning the chalkduster with the wooden ruler AND? they soon stopped when i used to walk in all white from the dust
    Lol...our maths teacher was famous for it...he was a damn good shot with it and used to get 6" from your head...you could literally hear it fly by

    That was my first year at sec. school too...mum was devasted...the shape of things to come

    Only punishment we used to have was the cane (only ever hands)...never ever bothered me...Deputy head used to jump off the flooor before bringing it down with a big red face whilst I smiled constantly...It used to send him into total spitting rages

    Took the cane off the Housemaster as it hit my hand, snapped it and walked out of school...that was 2nd year...managed to last until 5th year before getting expelled for setting fire to a complete spool of Magnesium ribbon (and the chemistry store room)

    Hope no one on here was at school with me

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    Quote Originally Posted by AND View Post
    Lol...our maths teacher was famous for it...he was a damn good shot with it and used to get 6" from your head...you could literally hear it fly by

    That was my first year at sec. school too...mum was devasted...the shape of things to come

    Only punishment we used to have was the cane (only ever hands)...never ever bothered me...Deputy head used to jump off the flooor before bringing it down with a big red face whilst I smiled constantly...It used to send him into total spitting rages

    Took the cane off the Housemaster as it hit my hand, snapped it and walked out of school...that was 2nd year...managed to last until 5th year before getting expelled for setting fire to a complete spool of Magnesium ribbon (and the chemistry store room)

    Hope no one on here was at school with me
    lmfao you legend, not that old here to have had the cane, bur a similar story with my grandfather with the cane, 14 yrs old he caught it on the first swing, ripped it out of the headmasters hand n proceeded to beat the everliving shite outta him! story goes he took down two teachers before it took 5 of them to restrain him, walked outta school that morning n was workin in the shipyard that afternoon, was on the payroll by the following monday

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  23. Default

    I went back to see my doctor yesterday.

    I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

    "Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

    I said, "On the bus!"

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    Quote Originally Posted by lipnobody View Post
    lmfao you legend, not that old here to have had the cane, bur a similar story with my grandfather with the cane, 14 yrs old he caught it on the first swing, ripped it out of the headmasters hand n proceeded to beat the everliving shite outta him! story goes he took down two teachers before it took 5 of them to restrain him, walked outta school that morning n was workin in the shipyard that afternoon, was on the payroll by the following monday
    Sounds like a dream, I wasted way too much time in school...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cleargreen View Post
    Sounds like a dream, I wasted way too much time in school...
    ah this was back when trades were proper, mostly based round the shipyards after the war, nothing like it today.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cleargreen View Post
    Sounds like a dream, I wasted way too much time in school...
    I think school was helpful...not much on the education side (apart from Science & Maths) but full of 'other' information & easy targets

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  31. Default

    I got thrown out of McDonalds this morning.

    The girl serving me was an absolute stunner and she told me she could make it large for 30p.

    I replied that she already had made it large, but could she finish me off for a pound!

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    I went to a porno reunion last night. It was nice to come across faces I'd not seen for a while.

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    some cnut stole my antidepressants,
    i hope hes happy!!!


    i keep randomly shouting “broccoli” n “cauliflower”!
    i think ive got florets...

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  39. Default

    As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden's funeral, a voice screamed from inside, "I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out!"

    To which the vicar replied, "Too fucking late pal. I've already done the paperwork!"

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