My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused.
If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?”
“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”
I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 19 year old daughters lying naked on the bed.
I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.
They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.”
I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?”
He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”
You can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits!
Cleargreen (07-04-20), Easy-T (06-04-20), GEORGE (04-04-20), lipnobody (05-04-20), M_C (06-04-20), Vlad the Inhaler (06-04-20)
I picked up a girl the other night who said she was never in the mood for sex until she’d had a bottle of wine inside her. After a bit of a struggle it turned out she wanted to drink it.
My bad.
Adriaanoo (19-04-20), Cleargreen (07-04-20), Easy-T (06-04-20), GEORGE (06-04-20), lipnobody (09-04-20), Loki (06-04-20), M_C (06-04-20), The Solyom (06-04-20)
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
Cleargreen (07-04-20), Easy-T (06-04-20), GEORGE (06-04-20), lipnobody (09-04-20), M_C (06-04-20), Vlad the Inhaler (06-04-20)
Remember:
Amateurs ... Built the ark.
Professionals ... Built the Titanic
Cleargreen (07-04-20), Easy-T (06-04-20), GEORGE (06-04-20), lipnobody (09-04-20), M_C (06-04-20)
A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon. I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.
I thought, fuck me, I might win this.
Cleargreen (07-04-20), Easy-T (06-04-20), GEORGE (06-04-20), lipnobody (09-04-20), M_C (06-04-20), Vlad the Inhaler (06-04-20)
ASDA to close 120 stores.
16 checkout operators to be made redundant.
Cleargreen (07-04-20), Easy-T (06-04-20), GEORGE (06-04-20), lipnobody (09-04-20), M_C (06-04-20), Vlad the Inhaler (06-04-20)
Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today. ........ Sprayed it all over myself.
I still cant fucking fly.
Cleargreen (07-04-20), Easy-T (06-04-20), GEORGE (06-04-20), lipnobody (09-04-20), M_C (06-04-20), Vlad the Inhaler (06-04-20)
Wife texts husband at work on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."
Husband texts back:
"Pour some lukewarm water over it"
Wife texts back:
"Computer completely fucked now."
Cleargreen (07-04-20), Easy-T (07-04-20), GEORGE (07-04-20), Greencrack102 (08-04-20), lipnobody (09-04-20), M_C (07-04-20)
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