My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"
I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."
She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"
I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"
I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."
She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"
I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"
AND (26-08-19), British green (08-09-19), CityDweller (24-09-19), Cleargreen (28-08-19), Easy-T (26-08-19), GEORGE (26-08-19), Limpy (08-12-19), lipnobody (01-09-19), M_C (28-08-19), RASTA (26-08-19), Subterranean Man (26-08-19), WhIpLaSh (28-08-19)
The guy across the road told me he's sad because he just found out his wife has been fucking Dave the postman.
"What? The fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, cheering up.
"Why would the postman want to shag her?" I said.
AND (27-08-19), British green (08-09-19), CityDweller (24-09-19), Cleargreen (28-08-19), Easy-T (03-09-19), GEORGE (27-08-19), lazor_ears (28-08-19), Limpy (08-12-19), lipnobody (01-09-19), M_C (28-08-19), RASTA (27-08-19), Valentina (05-12-19)
AND (28-08-19), British green (08-09-19), CityDweller (24-09-19), Easy-T (03-09-19), GEORGE (28-08-19), IceCalibur (28-08-19), lipnobody (01-09-19), RASTA (31-08-19)
British green (08-09-19), CityDweller (24-09-19), Cleargreen (28-08-19), Easy-T (03-09-19), GEORGE (28-08-19), IceCalibur (28-08-19), jake420 (02-09-19), RASTA (31-08-19)
My wife texted me while she was out shopping. "Does this dress make me look fat?" she texted. "Noooooo," I replied. Unfortunately autocorrected changed it to, "Mooooo"...
To cut a long story short, can anyone put me up for the night?
AND (29-08-19), British green (08-09-19), CityDweller (24-09-19), Cleargreen (03-09-19), Easy-T (03-09-19), GEORGE (28-08-19), M_C (28-08-19), Valentina (05-12-19)
I phoned the tinnitus helpline earlier. It just kept ringing!
There's funny noises coming from my teapot. It sounds like thunder and lightning to me...
I think it must be a storm brewing
AND (29-08-19), British green (08-09-19), CityDweller (24-09-19), Cleargreen (03-09-19), Easy-T (03-09-19), GEORGE (29-08-19), RASTA (31-08-19), Valentina (05-12-19)
Anyone who says, "Love is more important than money"...
Has clearly never tried paying off a loanshark with a cuddle!
AND (31-08-19), British green (08-09-19), CityDweller (24-09-19), Cleargreen (03-09-19), Easy-T (03-09-19), GEORGE (30-08-19), Greencrack102 (31-08-19), RASTA (31-08-19), Valentina (05-12-19)
Got attacked by two thugs the other night but somehow I managed to knock one out...
Bit of an inopportune time I know, but it seemed to scare them off!
AND (31-08-19), British green (08-09-19), CityDweller (24-09-19), Cleargreen (03-09-19), Easy-T (03-09-19), gardro (03-09-19), GEORGE (01-09-19), Headcase89 (05-09-19), jake420 (02-09-19), lipnobody (04-09-19), RASTA (31-08-19)
My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right fucking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!
AND (03-09-19), British green (03-09-19), CityDweller (24-09-19), Cleargreen (03-09-19), Easy-T (03-09-19), gardro (03-09-19), GEORGE (02-09-19), lipnobody (04-09-19), M_C (02-09-19), Valentina (05-12-19)
Had the shits for 6 weeks now.
Went to the doctors today and he told me not to worry and that they go back to school on Wednesday!
AND (03-09-19), British green (03-09-19), CityDweller (24-09-19), Cleargreen (03-09-19), Easy-T (03-09-19), gardro (03-09-19), GEORGE (03-09-19), lipnobody (04-09-19), M_C (04-09-19), toblue (06-09-19), Valentina (05-12-19), Wags (11-09-19)
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