share ur jokes here

[denots]

I took my 6 year old step son, Rashid Jamil swimming today, i said if you can make it to the other side ill give you a big bag of sweets. So off he went, but after a while he disappeared. Still don't know if he made it to France or not.

[B.A.BARACUS]

My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well?" she said, "I've lost a stone, can you see a difference?"

I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone." I said, "can you see a difference?"

[B.A.BARACUS]

I am so glad that Mrs Thatcher got through her operation OK.

Trying to let off fireworks in this weather is a fucking nightmare

[carpetburn]

xmas cracker joke

Why do golfers always carry two pairs of trousers with them ?
Just in case they had a hole in one.

[denots]

When i was selling my pet python. Some bloke phoned up and asked "is it big" ?. I said "fucking massive". He said "how many feet"?.
I said "none its a fucking snake"

[B.A.BARACUS]

After the disappointment of Asda turkeys for two years and then being let down by an Aldi 4 bird roast last year, I've found what could be the perfect thing for this year's Christmas dinner.

A Lidl donkey.

[carpetburn]

I,ve bought my kids a set of batteries each for Christmas with a note on them saying, toys not included.

[denots]

I,ve bought my kids a set of batteries each for Christmas with a note on them saying, toys not included.

When it comes to xmas staff, it looks like your for ever ready.

[B.A.BARACUS]

That's three Christmas Eve's in a row now, that The Grinch has been on.

Once again, I've got to make do with one of her fucking hand jobs.

[carpetburn]

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'