share ur jokes here

[cunneto]

the other half aint talking to me because i wouldn't open the dorr, it aint my fault i just freaked out and swam to the surface......


a man and a wife are in bed, the bloke turns to his woman and says "hun, tell me something that will make me happy and break my heart at the same time" she replies "you have the biggest dick out of all your mates"


whats the only part of a vegetable you don't eat?? the wheelchair....

[wert]

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

[Broon_Troot]

a very drunk paddy met a prostitute up a back alley.he asks "how much for full sex?"...£20 she replies, "ok" says paddy and then gets down to business. next minute a cop appears and shines his torch in their faces,"what`s going on here then?" he asks "nothing officer im just having sex with my wife"......"sorry sir" apologises the cop "i didn`t know it was your wife", paddy shouts "neither did i till you shone your f*****g torch in her face".

[Munkeyboi]

What you call a woman without an arsehole?

Single

What do you call the useless part attached to a mans penis?

A man

[DoobyDuck]

Just recieved this text -

N B G A?

What the fck?........

They can't be serious.....

I think it's a liberty and rude......

I mean how can you answer a question that is complete bang out of order!!

[Vetran]

lol some funny jokes there i will have to use them

Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a hooker?
A hooker, because she can just wash her crack and use it again. lol

[Vetran]

Micheal jackson and elvis met in heven..... Evils said to micheal .. Your the guy that married my daughter right.... Micheal replys yes sir.... Elvis replys thank fuck i thought she married a c**n

[REDJELLYNINJA]

An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are lost in the desert. Both the Englishman and Scotsman are bollock naked apart from the boots on their feet but the Irishman still has on his shorts and t-shirt. After a while the Englishman makes up his mind that they will never make it out alive and collapses to the ground deciding that his fate is sealed so may as well settle down to die. The others try to get him to continue but his mind is made up. Before they go on he requests that the Irishman leaves his t-shirt for him to place over his face so that the birds don't peck out his eyes while he lies there dying. The Irishman agrees and passes it to him before he and the Scotsman continue through the desert. After a few more miles of walking the Scotsman comes to the conclusion that the Englishman is right, they will never get out alive and he to collapses to the ground. Remembering the Englishmans request for something to cover his face he asks if the Irishman would give him his shorts for the same reason. Again he agree's and passes them to him before setting out through the desert alone. A few more miles are travelled by the Irishman before he realises that he will never make it and decides to do the same as his two friends and settle down in the sand to die. Looking overhead he see's that the vultures have been following him and that he now has nothing to cover his face to stop them pecking out his eye's. Thinking quickly he decides to bury his head in the sand to prevent it from happening leaving only his bare arse visible. Not long after he does this a nomad and his camel come over a dune to the sight of the Irishmans arse poking out the sand. Not having had sex in months the nomad decides he's gonna go down and shag the arse sticking out the sand as there is nobody around to see him. He disrobes and sticks his cock straight up the arse in the sand and starts thrusting away before he is halted in his stride by a voice from the sand shouting "MY EYE'S, MY EYE'S, TAKE MY EYE'S!!!!"

[Broon_Troot]

6ft4 tall man in the tiolet looks to his left and sees a little man peeing from a huge penis.
he says "thats the biggest cock ive ever seen."
lttle man says "oh im a leprechaun and we all have big cocks."
tall man says " i wish i had one like that."
leprechaun says " ill grant you that wish if you let me bum you first."
man reluctantly agrees.
leprechaun pumps away for ages then asks "how old are you?"
man says "im 36"
"imagine that, 36 and you still believes in leprecauns"

[GSXRnutter]

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. ‘Open the fucking safe!’ he yells at the girl behind the counter.
‘But we're not a real bank’ replies the girl. ‘This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money’.
‘Don't ar...gue just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!’
She obliges and opens the safe door.
‘Take one of the bottles and drink it!’ ‘But it's full of sperm’ the girl replies nervously. ‘Don't argue, just drink it’ he says.
She prises off the cap and gulps it down. ‘Take out another one and drink it too!’ he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband ...
‘Not that fucking difficult, is it?’ he says.